


same sky (tyrelliot)

by jocalvins



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Coping with Death, Drug Addiction, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Illness, Past Character Death, Recovery, Running Away, Smut, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, some dark humor/ sarcasm because that's how i cope with things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-03-08 01:04:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jocalvins/pseuds/jocalvins
Summary: Elliot, depressed and socially anxious college dropout, is lying on the tracks waiting for a train to finally end his life.Tyrell, who is still grieving his wife, has other plans for him: He falls for him immediately and wants to show Elliot that there are still things worth living for.- Yout typical angsty tyrelliot fic





	1. dawn

Elliot's eyes widened as he stared up to the clear blue sky. There was not a single cloud anywhere to be seen, and as he just lay there, Elliot's racing mind brought back a memory from his childhood.

He had always claimed that a sky as clear as this one couldn't be real, and it had freaked him out. Why was it so blue, a perfectly painted canvas that looked almost unnatural to the eye? It had always been his ultimate proof that the world as he knew it couldn't be real, that there was something more, someone who had painted this sea of blue.

It never would've crossed his mind to put a name to it - religion wasn't really a concept that resonated with him. But still, there was something, Elliot used to think, maybe some alien painted this. Or maybe the sky wasn't even real. Maybe he was the only one who saw it like this. And his parents and sister and everyone in the world just learned to describe it this way, too. That's why we never notice that we don't all see the same sky, we all have our own.

How ironic that right now, exactly on this day and in this moment, the sky was plain blue again.

Or maybe it wasn't ironic at all. Maybe the sky had never been that important to him. Maybe it was all just the effect of the pills.

The cold metal on his head wasn't as unpleasant as he had anticipated, in fact he didn't even notice it that much. It was the waiting that was bothering him.

He didn't want to wait anymore, he'd waited long enough. His whole life to be exact. Back when his father died he had been crying and screaming all night, until there was nothing left, until his mother forced him away from the empty bed. After that he had stopped crying once and for all.

And then... he remembered the smell of the roses. They had given him one at his dad's funeral, to throw down in his grave, on top of the coffin. Little Elliot didn't understand why they had killed the flower to throw them after his father's dead body. Maybe the flower still had something to live for, maybe they would be missed by the bees and weeds and even the sun itself. He wanted to be thrown in the grave, he didn't want to be on a planet without the only person he had ever known how to talk to.

Later he had told his mother, and she got mad at him and told him to stop being a baby and grow up. Your father was not a good person, she said, you're forgetting that.

But Elliot hadn't forgotten. To him, his father was the best person he knew.

And now he was just done. Done with missing him, done with his own mind tormenting him every single day. Done with the broken promises that he would someday learn how to act around people, or how to lead a normal life, without questioning every single aspect what people said and did.

Done with his life.

But maybe he was such a failure, he couldn't even successfully kill himself. That would be quite fitting, if you thought about the rest of his life.  
College drop out. Shitty job. Still single and still broke at age 28. Additionally, he did not have a single friend except for the people he made up and talked to in his head. And no future - jesus, why were the pills not working? Why was there still no train?

Adrenaline. Bad luck. Minutes, dragging on forever. Maybe it was hours. Maybe only seconds. He didn't know. Out here on the countryside, the trains didn't depart that often - and the only people who occasionally came here were people walking their dogs.

He could feel himself drifting off and although there was a part of him, clinging on to the possibility of staying alive, it wasn't enough.

The next thing Elliot knew was a hand, slapping his face, not very energetically but enough to bring him back to reality within split seconds.

"Hey! Hey, do you hear me? Are you alive? Oh thank God-"

He was blinking, his eyes moving quickly from the alien blue sky to the face of someone he had never seen before, a man about his age with blonde hair and eyes that looked a little crazy - well, maybe that was understandable, considering that he had just found what must have looked like a dead body.

Elliot couldn't say anything, he just stared.

"Please, get away from the tracks. I know you probably don't wanna hear this but -"

"Right, I don't." Elliots voice was hoarse and only now he noticed the dry feeling in his throat.

"I get it, but please - I can't leave you here now. I just can't."

"'Course you can. You just get up and walk away. Isn't that hard." Elliot's head was hurting from all the pills, the pills that obviously hadn't been enough to numb him completely.

"But look." The man suddenly started smiling. "You've been on this earth for a while now, I assume. Unless you're like... an alien. In that case, just ignore what I say."

Elliot couldn't believe that this guy had the audacity to wake him up while he was lying on the tracks of a train, try to have a conversation with him and now even JOKED about the situation. It was outrageous, but to be honest, his dizzy brain kinda liked it.

"So you've had a lot of bad days in your life I assume, right? I bet you can take one more. Just go home, sleep it off, and think about it. And then you can still kill yourself tomorrow."

Elliot frowned and sat up, his legs still on the tracks, to look at this weird guy. He suddenly felt a lot more awake. The man was quite attrative, no doubt about that. His wide smile and bright blue eyes staring down at Elliot would've made it almost impossible not to smile back at him, well, under different circumstances.

"What's that supposed to change? You don't know anything about my life. Maybe I can't take another fucking day."

"But you can. You always can. It's just one more day and that's it." He was still smiling like a complete maniac. "And if you don't wanna get away from there, I guess I'm gonna have to sit there with you." He got up, carefully brushing off his pants and stepped onto the rail.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"I just told you. Get up and live at least one other day or I'll sit here with you."

"You're insane. Why would you do that?" Elliot's mind was racing. "What if the train comes?"

The man shrugged. "It's not like my life is that pleasant either. My wife is dead, so is my son, and I have no friends. Now make some room."

Elliot could only stare at him in bewilderment. "And then you go around trying to convince ME that life is worth living?"

"Yes. Because it's always easier to see the good in someone else than the good in yourself."

"Oh wow, Shakespeare."

"My name is Tyrell, actually. What's yours?"

"This is not a tea party. Get away from the rail."

"Okay, nice to meet you "this is not a tea party".

Elliot was so annoyed, he was about to say something, but was disrupted by the shaking sensation of the rail below him and the sound of a train coming towards them.

Panicking, he looked into Tyrell's eyes. He looked completely calm regarding the situation. Elliot got up on his feet, out of a reflex, and so did he.

There was no way Elliot could let this man die with him, even if he was a complete creep and had the IQ of the piece of metal they were standing on - Elliot just couldn't.

As the train got closer, his mind went completely blank. Only one thought remained - that he wasn't supposed to die today, and neither was the psycho next to him. He jumped aside, grabbing Tyrell's arm the last second and pulling him down with him, as he landed a few feet away from the tracks.

When the train raced past them, Elliot pressed his face to the grass, only hearing the painfully loud noise and feeling the wind on his skin. Then it was over.

"You're a dumbass", Elliot said, his voice still raspy and weak, muffled by the grass.

"I knew you wouldn't do it", Tyrell said quietly. "I would have pulled you away the last second. But I wanted you to do it."

Elliot turned his face towards him. "You don't even know me", he said, his eyes closed. "And now leave me alone."

"No way, Mr Tea Party. I made you live another day, and I won't let you spend it alone. That would be so sad, spending your last day on earth alone, wouldn't it?"

"I don't want your company. I didn't ask to be saved."

Tyrell got up and held his hand out for Elliot to take. "Come on, man."

Elliot looked at the hand, perfectly manicured and delicate like a surgeon's. He sighed, and then he took it, letting Tyrell pull him up into a standing position.

Once he was back on his feet, he noticed that him and the weirdo were standing uncomfortably close to each other. "Rule one: Personal space", he said.

"Deal." Tyrell took a step back and let go of his hand. "You're gonna like today, Tea Party. I promise."

"Stop calling me that. It's weird."

"I don't know your name though."

"Yeah, because we aren't gonna become friends or anything."

"Well I parked over there, so the first thing we're gonna do is go to my car."

Elliot raised his eyebrows and started following Tyrell wordlessly.

They only had to walk for a minute or two, then they reached the old country road and Tyrell's car, parked flawlessly in between two trees. The blonde guy waved his hand towards the car, to let Elliot know that he wanted him to get inside.

"No way", Elliot replied and turned around.

"Come on, Tea Party, you only wanna live for one more day anyways. What's the worst I can do to you?"

"Oh, I don't know", he said sarcastically and started counting with his fingers. "Take me somewhere I've never been and leave me there on my own, murder me brutally and painfully, take me to your secret dungeon where you torture peo-"

"Okay, okay, okay, Jeez." Tyrell was laughing now. "Chill. I'm not a mass murderer."

"You know what? That's exactly what a mass murderer would say."

"You seem to have some experience on that matter. Now get in, let's get this party started."

Elliot didn't recognize himself, when he sighed and walked towards the car to get inside. But then again, Tyrell was right. He had nothing left to lose, and from now on it could only get better.


	2. morning

When Tyrell got in the car, Elliot sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window and wondering how the hell he got into this situation.

Now he could still just get up and leave, but what would he do then? He'd probably go home, get high and fall asleep. Maybe that would be for the better. But then again, the thought of being alone right now brought the ice cold feeling back to his stomach. The loneliness was unbearable, and so much worse than sharing a car with this other suicidal maniac, for sure.

None of them talked for a while, until suddenly Elliot heard a weird noise from the driver's seat. 

Slowly he turned his head and looked over at Tyrell, who was unwrapping a pair of plastic gloves and sliding them over his hands.

Elliot cleared his throat, giant question marks on his mind.

“She's my baby”, Tyrell stated and put a hand on the steering wheel, stroking it gently. “So I take good care that she doesn't get dirty.”

“Ah”, Elliot said, and wondered why he always met such strange people.

“Why were you even here in the first place?” he asked.

“I was just driving around. And then I saw the fields and trees here and decided to take a walk.” 

“Why would you do that?” Elliot continued asking.

Tyrell sighed, shook his head, then started the engine. “Jeez, you really don't know how to enjoy life, do you? Don't worry, I'll show you.”

Elliot frowned. He had never even considered that he might be missing out on something because he didn't know how to "enjoy" stuff. In fact, it wasn't even true, he thought. He enjoyed movies, he enjoyed spending time with the two friends he had... well, okay. Maybe there was something true about it.

He shook his head. “Where are we going?”

“I don't know. This is the last day of YOUR life, so you might as well decide.”

Elliot rolled his eyes. “Whatever. It's not like there's anything I would like today anyway.”

“We'll see about that.”

They drove for a while, then Tyrell looked at Elliot, whose eyes were still focused on the landscape outside the window.

“What's your favorite song?”

Seemingly confused Elliot turned towards him, his hands started fidgeting with the seat belt, squeezing the material with the tips of his fingers. Tyrell smiled at him and pointed at his phone lying next to Elliot, signifying him to put something on if he wanted to.

“I don't know.”

“You don't like music?”

“Not really. I mean some songs are cool but I … I can't think of one right now.”

“That's so sad. Okay, I'll just put on some classics.”

Tyrell really didn't know if what he wanted to try was working. All he knew was how to cheer himself up when he felt this low, he didn't know how to do it for another person. Additionally, this guy seemed to have nothing he was passionate about, or just didn't wanna tell him about it, so what else was he supposed to try?

Tyrell didn't wanna leave him. He didn't wanna give up on him just yet, this cute boy with the restless hands and dark shades underneath his eyes. There had to be something that could convince him to stay.

He picked up the phone, driving with one hand on the wheel, the other searching through his playlist. The fabric of his gloves made it more difficult to tap the right buttons, so it took him a few seconds.

Elliot who had gone back to staring out the window, looked at Tyrell struggling and then reached for the phone, snatching it from his hand.

“Let me do it. You're gonna get us killed.” He glared.

When he noticed Tyrell's lip twitching in amusement, Elliot felt his cheeks take on a bright red color.

“Shut up,” He started scrolling through the playlist.

The first song he recognised was “Somewhere only we know” by Keane. A bit too depressing, Tyrell thought.

“That's not gonna do the job”, he said, still grinning. 

Almost ironically, Elliot pressed play on “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers but Tyrell approved, nodding along. “Now you get it!”, he yelled over the music.

While Tyrell focused back on the street in front of them, Elliot looked at him, a smile spreading across his face.

“This? Really?”

Tyrell nodded knowingly. “Just wait until it kicks in.”

He started singing along, so incredibly out of tune that Elliot wasn't sure if he was seriously trying. Not only that but he got most of the lyrics wrong. Elliot buried his face in his hands, trying not to show his smile.

“Come on, I can see you smiling! It works doesn't it?” Tyrell yelled in excitement.

“No”, Elliot said, clearly laughing. “You're just a terrible singer.”

“I'm well aware. You're a terrible shotgun though. You're not supposed to pick the music.”

“Well if you do, you'll drive into the next bush. Focus on the road.”

“We're almost there anyway.” 

Elliot hadn't even been aware that they had a destination, but he already felt the anxiety creeping up his body.

“Ah”, he said and didn't even bother asking where they were going.

A few minutes of driving – and Tyrell's terrible singing – later, Elliot realized where they were. He could see the ocean from his window, still far away but he had been here often enough to recognise it. The sunlight reflecting on the water looked so beautiful, Elliot's heart started beating faster. He squinted his eyes, turning the image in front of them into a sea of sparkles dancing on the horizon.

“You got me there” he said. “I really love the ocean.”

“Duh. Who doesn't.”

Tyrell parked the car only shortly afterwards and Elliot followed him towards the ocean. Even though he knew the beach extremely well, he had never seen this particular part. They had driven a lot further than the way to the main tourist spots, and there seemed to be no other people around, which Elliot was very happy about. The fewer people, the more comfortable he felt.

They walked in awkward silence until they reached the water. Tyrell slowly sat down in the sand, a good few feet away from the shore. Elliot hesitated for a second, but then he joined him.

“Don't you feel cold in that hoodie?” Tyrell asked.

Elliot was just staring at the ocean ahead.

“Kind of.”

Tyrell took off his coat in one swift motion and put it around Elliot's shoulders, resting his hands there for a little longer. He turned his head and locked eyes with Tyrell, then he put on the coat, wrapping it closer around his body.

Elliot stared at the ocean, the waves crashing on the shore, and shook his head.  
"I can't wrap my head around it", he finally said.

"Around what?"

"Why. Why you do this. Do you really have nothing else to do? You almost died today because of me. What's... what do you get out of this?"

One of the reasons why Elliot didn't always get along with people that well was his bluntness. He didn't sugar-coat things, he didn't even know how to. Except for the scary thoughts that often came to him, the self-destructive patterns, he tended to say what was on his mind.

Most people couldn't handle that, but Tyrell seemed not to be one of them.

"Oh come on. I wouldn't have died. Now can we move on from that already?"

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "Well, this is not something that happens to me every day."

"Look." Tyrell wrapped his arms around his upper body, maybe out of reflex to defend himself, maybe because he was freezing. As Elliot noticed it, he immediately felt guilty. "This is also in my interest. I've been here for three days and haven't seen the beach yet. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, so I probably would've come here either way. It's not all about you, dude. I'm just taking you away from your miserable life today."

Elliot didn't answer right away. His eyes were pinned on Tyrell who kept rubbing his arms, trying to create some warmth.

"Take your jacket back, it's way too cold."

"It's not even that cold. No big deal. Actually, you know what? It's my favorite weather."

"How can this be your favorite weather. You can't even go swimming when it's that cold. And that's the fuckin' point of going to the beach." Elliot sighed.

"Then you should swim."

"Are you crazy?" He really couldn't tell if this guy was on drugs or just one of those annoying super positive people.

"Nope. Totally sane."  
“No way.”

Tyrell got up and reached for his collar to pull his shirt over his head.

"You're not serious. The water is like minus 200 degrees Celsius."

"That's not how Celsius works. Come on, Tea Party."

"Jesus, stop calling me that."

Elliot let himself sink back into the sand, rubbing his eyes, trying not to look at Tyrell who was shirtless now.

He could hear him kicking away his shoes and slipping out of his pants.

"Tyrell", he yelled, like a father scolding his child.

"Come on!"

Elliot lifted one hand from his eyes and sneaked a peak at Tyrell who was now only dressed in his boxers. When he was still wearing his clothes, Elliot hadn't noticed how muscular he was – not to mention the fact that his arms and parts of his torso were covered in tattoo's.  
Before Elliot could make out what exactly the motives were, Tyrell looked at him and he felt himself blushing immediately. He sat up, Tyrell's coat sliding off his shoulders.

"You're gonna get pneumonia", he said in the most unimpressed voice he could.

Without missing a beat, Tyrell ran towards the shore and jumped into the waves. Elliot shook his head, sighed and stood up to see where the weirdo was swimming now. Then he kicked off his shoes and walked into the waves fully clothed. There was no way he was taking off his hoodie around anyone, and certainly not this guy.

Tyrell was already pretty far away, but once he noticed Elliot, he came swimming back to him. The water was freezing cold and felt like thousands of needles on Elliot's skin. He sucked in his breath, closed his eyes and jumped right in, ignoring the pain and disgusting feeling of his wet clothes sticking to his body.  
He didn't wanna seem like he was picky, or even worse, a coward. Tyrell had almost reached him, crawling towards him before Elliot had even gotten used to the water. Thankfully, at the point where Elliot was standing, the water only reached his shoulders, allowing him to stand on his feet.

“You could've taken off the hoodie, you know”, Tyrell said, out of breath, brushing his wet hair out of his face. 

“I could have”. Elliot said lamely.

“You gotta keep moving. Otherwise it gets really cold.” Tyrell lay on his back, closing his eyes. Elliot surreptitiously glanced at his face, looking so relaxed that for once, there was no trace of the crazy, sarcastic smile he liked to put on.

Elliot raised his head and looked at the sky. Still as blue as it had been earlier this morning.

Slowly he followed Tyrell's example and lay on his back, letting the slow waves carry him for a few minutes.

“I really can't believe you're wearing your clothes.” He heard Tyrell laughing next to him.

“Not everyone here uses the first opportunity to take his shirt off”, he replied.  
“But it's quite nice, isn't it?”

Elliot shifted in the water, swimming on his stomach again. He could feel the little blood in his body that wasn't completely frozen yet, rising to his cheeks once again.

“What?”

“The water, Tea Party. The water.”

“Right.”

But the soaked clothes on his skin in combination with the waves getting stronger were making it hard to stay above the surface. Not only that, but he was freezing.

“We should probably swim back”, Tyrell said.

“Yeah.” Even though it had only been a couple of minutes, Elliot felt exhausted. It wasn't surprising that he was extremely out of shape - the past months he had spent most of his time either sitting at work, or laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling or the screen his laptop.

As soon as Elliot got out of the water, the cold wind on his wet clothes and skin made him shiver. Yup, this hadn't been a good idea.

"You can take off the hoodie and put my coat back on", Tyrell said, slipping back into his pants and shirt.

Elliot looked at him, his arms still wrapped around his trembling body.

"Okay", he finally said and pulled the hoodie over his head, putting on the coat, wondering what the hell he was even doing.

He noticed the effect instantly, the thick fabric covering him like a blanket. Elliot sighed.

"Thank you", he said, after a while. They were walking quietly back to Tyrell's car to escape the biting wind.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." As Tyrell opened the door and got back inside the car, Elliot did the same.

"How did your wife die?"

Laughing in surprise, Tyrell folded his arms and looked at Elliot provokingly. 

"You wanna do deep talk, Tea Party?"

Elliot shrugged and avoided his gaze. "I thought if I'm spending the last day of my life with you, I might as well know who you are."

"You're wearing ONLY my coat right now, you're aware of that right?"

"Very."

Tyrell sighed.  "She was shot. By the guy she had sex with. Because she told him she still loves me."

"She - what?" Elliot couldn't tell if he was just messing with him right now, but it didn't seem like he was.

"You heard me." Tyrell looked almost bored, like he was sick of telling the story. He reached behind his seat and grabbed something that looked like a giant travelling bag. After searching for a few seconds, he pulled out two towels and handed Elliot one of them.

"If you get my car dirty or wet I might kill you before this day ends", he said.

Elliot nodded and dried his hair as well as could.

"Did you love her?" he asked softly.

"Of course I did. Jesus." Tyrell sighed and leaned back in his seat. "We had been dating since we were 16. We were so excited to start our family. And then -"  
He shook his head. "It's just not fair."

"Aren't you mad at her for cheating on you?" Elliot wondered. 

Tyrell's hands were restlessly playing with the the towel in his hands, ripping and tearing on the fabric to distract himself.

"Nah. We had an open marriage. I also had tons of affairs with other men and women." He smiled sadly. "And that guy... he didn't get it. He thought if he only waited long enough, eventually she'd leave me for him. He's a psychopath. Unlike me, Joanna always had a terrible taste in men."

"I can see that". Elliot joked and and put one of his hands on top of Tyrell's to stop him from fidgeting.

"I hope that jerk is in jail now." 

"He sure is. I had a good lawyer. That's the advantage when you have a lot of money. But that doesn't bring her back and it doesn't bring my baby back, either."

Elliot slowly shook his head. He couldn't even imagine how that must hurt, losing your wife while she was pregnant. It broke his heart to even think about it.

He glimpsed at Tyrell's face, and noticed his eyes tearing up.

"My dad died when I was ten", Elliot said awkwardly.

"I'm sorry."

"I guess you never really get over stuff like that."

"Yeah not really." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, shaking off the memories.

"But it was only a year ago. I'll be fine, Tea Party, don't worry. You will be too. But I need something to eat now."

Elliot laughed at this random comment and nodded. "Me too."

So Tyrell started the engine, after carefully putting on his gloves of course, and they headed towards the city. Suddenly Elliot was reminded of something. 

"You said you're leaving tomorrow or the day after that."

"Hm-m."

"So you're here on vacation? Or something?"

"Kind of. I've been in America for over 6 months. But I'm just driving around most of the time. I wanted to see as much as possible. And now... I don't know. I think I'm going back to Sweden soon."

"Wait, you're from Sweden? You didn't tell me that."

"Well shit, Tea Party, I don't even know your name. I don't know anything, I don't even know why you wanna die."

Elliot bit his lip. "Fair point." 

"Yeah, I'm from Sweden. And after Joanna died, I just couldn't stand it anymore. We traveled a lot, and everything reminded me of her. So I decided to go somewhere else."

Elliot wondered what it must be like to be that fearless - and that rich.

"Why are you going back?" Elliot asked.

"This isn't my place. I miss home. And running away isn't the answer either." He looked at Elliot suggestively. "It really isn't."

"In your case, probably not. But if it did help you cope with... with her death... then going back home will probably bring back all of that stuff."

"I see. Tea Party, do you want me to stay here?"

Although he was obviously joking, there was also a hint of hope in his voice.

"We'll see about that." Elliot smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooof i really hope you enjoy this so far!
> 
> everytime someone leaves kudos it makes me SO happy so keep doing that if you like it. :D
> 
> THANKS FOR READING!


	3. noon

"Do you want lunch?" Tyrell asked, 

"It's not even 11 yet."

"By the time we're there it's almost 11:30. 12 is noon. Time for lunch." He sounded almost too excited.

Elliot sighed. "Yeah, okay. Let's eat lunch."

They kept driving in silence, until Elliot suddenly grabbed Tyrell's phone and put the music back on. Tyrell tried to seem upset at first, but he was smiling. "Just shuffle it", he said.

"You have so much weird music", Elliot commented.

"Thanks."

The song blasting from the speakers at the moment was slow and melodic, not the right choice for a roadtrip. But for reasons he didn't understand himself, Elliot kinda liked it.

"Tea Party?"

"I still don't accept that name."

"I have a question. An ethical one."

Elliot frowned. "Shoot."

"Don't you feel bad for the person who drives the train... you know?" Tyrell made an awkward hand gesture and looked at him helplessly.

"Well... yeah. That's why I never wanted to end it this way."

"What happened?"

He shrugged, feeling incredibly stupid now that he said it out loud.

"I don't know. I was going to see my sister. But I felt so bad this morning. Like, worse than usual. I felt like my body was 400 pounds heavy, like there were weights attached to my limbs. Like my blood was running slow. Just... that level of exhausted and done with life." He swallowed dry. 

"I mean - I could barely lift my head. I wasn't really there, you know? I needed someone to slap me so hard I snap back into reality, so I could feel something again. But at the same time every inch of my body hurt. I was so tired but I knew sleep wouldn't fix it."

Tyrell nodded slowly, to indicate that he knew what Elliot meant.

"I didn't know how to get out of bed, didn't know how to make it to my sister. So I texted her I'd be late and that I didn't know if I would make it at all. Somehow I made it out of bed, my head was pounding, I felt dizzy. And there was this constant urge to end my life.

Like when you're standing on a high building or a cliff or something and you feel this sinking sensation, like a part of you really wants to jump down there. Just because you know you could. And you don't even really understand where that sudden craving comes from."

That's a terrible example, Elliot thought to himself. But he hoped he had gotten his point across. Tyrell nodded again, this weird, understanding therapist-like nod. For some reason it was comforting when he did it. 

"So then I went to the train station. And I got a text back from Darlene, my sister. She was just like... totally okay with me not coming. And didn't even ask what happened. So I didn't walk to the station, I walked along the tracks."

How unnecessary it all sounded at once, how weird it felt that just this morning, when it all was caving in, it had felt like he didn't matter to anyone. Simply because of one text.

Out of nothing, the self-care patterns he had practised, the castle of thoughts he had built to protect himself from moments like this, it all broke down. It didn't mean anything because Elliot didn't mean anything. He had been ready to die and willing to go through with it, and now he didn't know who he was anymore.

Another version of him was already dead. There was another Elliot out there on the tracks, that had died when he was supposed to and Elliot didn't know what was left of him now.

"Listen, Tea Party", Tyrell said softly, after Elliot told him all of that.

"Don't tell me some pseudo-deep bullshit on how it gets better, please."

"I was going to tell you we'll have lunch now, and before that we'll find you something new to wear because you can't walk around in the wet hoodie all day. And then you'll feel much better already, believe me."

Elliot stared at him for a few seconds, lost in his thoughts. Then he nodded.

After Tyrell had found a parking lot, which took a good while, they got out the car and Elliot stretched his limbs. He could already feel his muscles hurting from the few minutes of swimming earlier. Pathetic.

The streets were too busy for Elliot's liking and he kind of wished he was back in the car where he only had to endure the company of one other person. At least it wasn't that cold anymore - or maybe Tyrell's coat was just really good at its job.

"I know someone here. Someone who's gonna help us make this a good day."

That sounds kinda scary, Elliot thought, at least from the mouth of this maniac.

"How do you even know people here if you're here for the first time", Elliot asked.

"I know people everywhere", Tyrell said vaguely.

He grabbed his traveling bag from the backseat, and swung it over his shoulder, pointing to the street that lead to the city center.

"There aren't many people there yet. And we don't have to walk very far."

A confused look on his face, Elliot turned towards him. Usually people didn't even understand his aversion to crowded places when he told them, and he did not remember saying anything to Tyrell about it. Were his facial expressions really that obvious?

Before he could reply, Tyrell walked past him, putting one arm around his shoulders.

"You know what, Tea Party? Everything is better after you've eaten something. What's your favorite food?"

"I don't know. I eat everything."

"Come on, there's gotta be something you enjoy most!"

"Not really."

Elliot didn't really care about stuff that other people got so excited about. Food. Sleep. Alcohol. Sex. Comedy shows. Wearing the latest fashion. Drinking Starbucks soy lattes. He didn't get it, never had.

It must be amazing to find comfort in these things, to live in that bubble; the reality of the naive. Not being aware of all the fucked up stuff going on in the world, even just a moment.

"Okay, we're almost there. Wait, I want it to be a surprise." Tyrell put one hand over Elliot's eyes.

"Seriously?" Elliot groaned.

"Yes. Surprises are good."

They walked for a few more minutes and Elliot tried to ignore his constant fear of running into things, while Tyrell was still covering his eyes.

"Et voila. Here we are." He pulled his hands away and triumphantly pointed towards the building in front of them. Elliot blinked a few times to adapt his eyes to the sudden brightness.

"'The Red Wheelbarrow'?"

"Yup. I'm friends with the owner. So obviously it's the best restaurant in town."

"That says 'barbecue'."

"Yeah."

Elliot turned his head. "I'm vegetarian."

"Didn't you literally just say you eat everything?" Tyrell looked a bit confused.

"I do. I eat everything that isn't another creature's corpse. Sorry that we live in a world where you have to say that explicitly."

"Well." Tyrell's lip was twitching suspiciously, "That's cool. I'm sure they'll have something non-corpsey too."

Elliot nodded and even showed a hint of a smile. "Then I'd like to check out your weird restaurant."

"They're not opened yet", Tyrell said as he knocked on the door. Elliot didn't think he had ever seen anyone knock on the door of a public restaurant, but at this point he wasn't surprised by anything anymore.

"Then... we just come back later I guess?" he asked.

"Nah. Told you I know the owner. He's always open for ME."

Only seconds later someone appeared behind the door, gazing outside at Elliot and Tyrell, then opening the door.

"Tyrell? Wow, I haven't seen you in years!"

A small man with glasses and a weird mustache came out and hugged Tyrell. Over his shoulder he looked at Elliot as if he was some strange creature - not even judgemental, just curious.

"You have a guest, Ty?"

"Yeah. That's ... uh..." Tyrell scratched his neck and looked at Elliot expectantly. 

"We just met", Elliot said, just as Tyrell added "...my friend".

"I see." The man smirked and held his hand out for Elliot.

"I'm Irving." 

"Right, so, Tea Party, that's Irving. We... used to work together right?"

There was kind of questioning undertone in his voice, as if Tyrell himself wasn't sure if what he had done with Irving before could be considered "work". As uncomfortable as he felt himself, Elliot found it a little funny how awkward Tyrell suddenly seemed. 

What he didn't find funny at all was that he would have to shake a stranger's hand - He hated how people always expected others they had just met to touch them. Where did that gesture even come from?

"Is 'Tea Party' like your code name or something?" Irving asked.

"Not really", Elliot said.

"Yeah, exactly." Tyrell grabbed Elliot by the shoulders and pushed him in the direction of the entrance. "Let's go in."

Once Elliot was out of hearing distance, Irving shot Tyrell a suggestive gaze. "You're lucky I've known you for so long, Ty. Even before all of this started. I hope you know I'd have every right to just kick you out after what you did."

"But you won't!" Tyrell gently smacked the back of Irving's head. 

He sighed. "Duh. But I really wonder where you got that junkie from again. One day you're gonna get yourself in serious trouble and then I can't help you again."

"He's not a junkie. As far as I know."

Irving sighed. "It's either that or he hasn't slept properly in ten years. But who am I to judge?"

*** 

Elliot had to say he was positively surprised by the inside of the restaurant. To him, Irving kinda looked like a mafia boss, but his restaurant was actually quite pretty. The only thing he found a little concerning were the pictures on the wall - every single one was uncomfortably large and had people on it, who were staring at the viewer - They kind of reminded him of the magical paintings in the Harry Potter movies he had to watch with his sister when she was younger.

"Do you like the photos?" Irving asked, suddenly standing behind him.

"They're a bit unusual", Elliot said carefully.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Wait a sec - TYRELL! It's literally 11.30 am!"

Elliot turned his head. While he had been staring at the strange photographs, Tyrell had gone to the bar at the center of the restaurant and made himself a drink. The glass still in his hand, he shrugged.

"Some days require drastic actions", he said, downed the glass, put it back down in front of him and leaned against the counter. "Listen Irving. We need the best vegetarian food you can make."

Irving raised an eyebrow. "We're not even opened yet. And since when are YOU a vegetarian?"

Tyrell slowly shook his head, pretending to be shocked. "Disappointing. We live in a world where you have to explicitly... state that you don't wanna eat corpses... or something like that... what was it, Tea Party?"

Elliot sighed. If he tried to ignore the fact that he seemed to live in a car, liked to swim in oceans for no reason, had weird friends and wasn't very good at minding his own business, this Tyrell guy was actually quite adorable. He had no reason to still take care of Elliot the way he did, and yet here they were.

"It's Elliot."

"What?"

"Elliot. That's my name. Now stop it with the stupid nickname."

A smile appeared on Tyrell's face. "Okay, Elliot", he said. "I like that name. There should be more Elliots in the world, not less."

He could feel himself blushing. "If you say so."

There was something special about the way Tyrell said his name - it sounded different than anyone else saying it. Whatever it was, he liked it.

"Jeez, get a room." Irving walked in the direction of what seemed to be the kitchen, yelling over his shoulder: "I'll see what I can do, okay?"

Once he was gone, Tyrell smiled at Elliot apologetically. "He comes off a bit weird but he's actually really nice. And you can ask him for everything, he will help you. I don't think there's any favor he wouldn't do for his friends. Drink, Elliot?" 

He raised a bottle with some kind of alcoholic beverage, that Elliot couldn't identify because he knew nothing about alcohol.

"Nah. I don't drink." He even felt a bit embarrassed about it, as if it somehow made him a boring person. But Tyrell simply shrugged and put the bottle away.

"That's responsible" he said. "Looks like you're gonna have to drive later."

Elliot nodded and sat down in front of Tyrell. It took him an embarrassingly long time to climb up the bar stool. Looking down at him, Tyrell grinned: "Hey, when you're sitting on that stool we're the same height."

Elliot rolled his eyes.

"I can't believe you made your poor friend go to the kitchen before his shift even starts. We could've grabbed lunch somewhere else."

"I figured you'd rather eat without too many other people around you", Tyrell defended himself. "And by the way - believe me." He leaned in and lowered his voice. "Irving may be the most helpful person ever but he never does anything he doesn't wanna do."

To be quite honest, Elliot wasn't convinced. But if it was true what Tyrell was saying, then he really envied Irving for that ability. Sometimes he felt like he only ever did things he didn't want to do.

"Here." Tyrell reached for the traveling bag under the table and put it on the table. "You might want to put on something else so you don't get a cold."

Elliot shook his head, smiling. "I'm gonna look ridiculous."

"Well, you are currently wearing a hoodie that's all damp and stiff from the salt water, so you might still wanna consider your options."

"Damp and stiff, you guys talking about porn?"

Irving reappeared from the kitchen. "Alright, the only thing I have is salad. But it's a good salad, believe me." He looked up and down at Elliot.

"You look like you could use some vitamins, no offence."

"Salad is cool", Elliot said, not wanting to cause any more trouble.

Tyrell looked at him, then Irving, and nodded. "I'll take whatever he takes", he said.

"You could go upstairs and take a shower by the way. If you want." Irving pointed at a door on Elliot's right, that Elliot hadn't even noticed yet.

He looked at Tyrell, as if to ask for approval. 

"Showers are good", he simply stated. Then he reached into the bag again, pulling out a sweater that probably wasn't supposed to be oversized, but would definetly look like it on Elliot. "Just wear this if you want."

Elliot nodded and Irving got up, walking him to the door.

"I live up there", he stated. "Just walk up the stairs and then go left."

A bit awkwardly, Elliot said: "Thank you." He closed the door behind him, pressing the sweater to his chest and walked up the stairs.

As soon as he could hear Elliot's fading footsteps on the stairs, Irving turned around and walked towards Tyrell.

"Now cut the bullshit. What do you want from him?", he said in a hushed voice.

Deep down, Tyrell wished he could give his friend an answer. Saying he had some secret motivation he had been trying to hide so far. But he didn't.

"I don't know, man. I'm lonely. And that poor kid was gonna throw himself on the tracks. So I thought I might as well take him with me."

Irving sighed in frustration. "And you think that once you're done playing lifesaver he's gonna join you on your mission?" He leaned forward. "Or are you trying to replace Joanna?"

"Don't talk about her. This has nothing to do with Joanna."

"Tyrell, everything you've been doing for the past year has to do with Joanna."

He sat down right in front of Tyrell, where Elliot had been sitting only minutes ago.

"What do you think he's gonna do once he finds out about that little Robin Hood mission you're on, huh?", he said.

"I think he'd get it." Tyrell closed his eyes, massaging his temple. Everytime someone brought up Joanna, this sudden headache appeared that he could hardly get rid off. "He wants to change the world, I can see it. He's sick of being controlled, just like me. Scared of the things he can't change. We can make a difference together, I can already feel it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm dealing with some serious mental health issues at the moment and additionally there's just a lot going on in general. So please be patient <3
> 
> Also - sorry for the lack of action in this chapter but there will definitely be a lot more in the next few ones. I hope you're still enjoying it, thank you so much for reading and as always, let me know what you think.  
> x Jo


	4. afternoon

Once Elliot had washed off the day – and the salt of the ocean – in the shower, letting the hot water warm his body, he already felt a lot better. 

“We should just stay here and sleep”, he said jokingly after they had finished eating a bit later. 

“No way, Tea Party. We have plans.” Tyrell raised his eyebrows and pointed in Elliot's direction.

He felt weird in the clothes Tyrell had given him, partly because of how big they were and partly because he couldn't even remember the last time he had worn someone else's clothes. For some reason it was comfortable though, very comfortable - which made him feel even weirder.

"Now what?" he asked, once they had left the restaurant.  
"Now we'll head to the city", Tyrell replied, once again sounding way too happy.

"I feel like there's people there", Elliot muffled. "Too many people. We really shouldn't go."

"Nah, I think we should." Tyrell put one arm around his shoulder. "We can leave anytime, though. When it gets too much for you."

They walked towards the city center, where faint music was coming from.  
There seemed to be some kind of street festival, judging by the amount of people crowded in one place. "Is today like some kind of holiday or something?" Elliot frowned.

"Yup. It's 'Elliot is still alive day". Tyrell replied and put one hand back on his shoulder. "Stay here, okay? Don't move. I'm gonna get you something."

One eyebrow raised in confusion, Elliot looked at him while he walked away and headed towards one of the stalls, apparently he wanted to buy something.

Elliot sighed. At least Tyrell wasn't so far away that he could start getting anxious and expect the weird guy to just leave him there. Technically they hadn't gone very far away from Elliot's home so he could just take a train, but the thought of Tyrell leaving him made him weirdly sad. All his despair and loneliness would be caving back in, over the fact that he had no one in the world.

Suddenly he remembered that his phone was still in Tyrell's bag. He'd have to text his sister sooner or later, to let her know she didn't have to worry about him, even though he hadn't made it to her place.

When Tyrell came back, he carried a plastic cup in one hand, giving it to Elliot with a smile.

"Coffee", he said. "You need it."

Elliot rolled his eyes, but then he took a sip. It was lovely, the warmth and the coffein he could almost feel kicking in the second the liquid touched his lips.

"Good?" Tyrell asked.

"Better", Elliot answered.

"Thought so. You know, they have the best coffee here. So now coming here was already worth it, wasn't I-"

He froze, and suddenly stopped walking. In a swift motion, he grabbed Elliot's arm and pulled him behind a market stall.

"What on earth, I almost spilled my coffee!" Elliot complained. 

"Shhhh". Tyrell was still holding on to his shoulders. "There's a police car."

"What are you even talking about?" Elliot was still speaking way too loudly for Tyrell's liking. "Why would there be a police car in the middle of a street festival-"

"I don't care WHY there is a police car, Elliot, what I care about is that there IS one, and we need to leave."

The second Tyrell had finished talking, Elliot could feel the sinking feeling in his stomach, when he realized what it meant. There weren't that many explanations, other than the conclusion he had just come to.

"Tyrell", he said in a hushed voice. "Tyrell what - what on earth did you do?"

He stumbled over the words as he always did when he got really excited or nervous. It made him angry at himself, angry at his own anxiety.

Without replying, Tyrell stared into his eyes for a few moments, then he grabbed Elliot's hand and pulled him away from the stalls and down the street that led away from the market and towards a little park.

"Let me go", Elliot protested, but didn't even try to get out of Tyrell's grip. He was too curious now.

"I swear I didn't do anything bad, Elliot, you gotta believe me." There were no people around them, but Tyrell kept looking behind himself, just to make sure. "I just wanted to do something good. Make a difference."

"T y r e l l!"

"I ... I was sick of it, okay. All those rich, arrogant people around me, who pretended to be our friends - let's go this way - who pretended to be our friends and then... then when Joanna died, they didn't even care. They bored me with their fake sympathy and always the same phrases you know? And then behind my back, I know what they said about her. I know they thought she was a whore." He spit out the word and then bit his lip, like he was ashamed of himself to even think it.

"I'm sorry to hear all of that but could you get to the point?" Elliot said, out of breath, trying to keep up with Tyrell who was walking way faster than necessary.  
Once they got to the park and the noise of the street festival behind them was fading, he relaxed a little and stood still, looking up and down the little pathway as if someone could jump out from behind a tree any second now.

"It made me feel sick. These disgusting people don't deserve to be as rich as they are. I had already given all of our own money to charity and sold almost everything I owned but it wasn't enough for me. I wanted to do more."

Elliot rolled his eyes, internally. "So you did what, you robbed them?"

"No! Well..." Tyrell looked behind them again and then sighed. "You could put it like that I guess."

"I can't believe this! Just as I was starting to like you -" Elliot ran his fingers through his hair, almost tearing out a few strands of hair as he realized what he had just said.

Tyrell looked as if someone had turned off the lights behind his face, his whole body tensioning.

"No. I didn't do anything morally wrong. I bet most of them didn't even notice I took some of their jewelry, or money, or... Well, the guy I stole the car from probably noticed", he added quietly.

Elliot's mouth fell open. "Even the CAR?"

"Yeah. That was my own personal revenge on the guy who killed Joanna. But I swear the rest of the money was spent on good causes-"

Everything around them was dead silent. They had gone far enough away from the city now and had reached a little lake in the middle of the park.

Without even looking at Tyrell, Elliot sat down on the bench.

They were both silent for a while.

"Don't tell me you don't get it because I know you do. You're disappointed in this society too. You hate them, these rich assholes. You want them to bleed, just like me. You wanna do something big, be someone big. I saw that in your eyes from the first moment we met, Elliot. You can pretend to be upset all you want, but at the end of the day -"

He walked towards the bench and knelt down in front of it, seeing eye to eye with Elliot.

"- at the end of the day you got into a strangers car, let him take you to another city, jumped into the ocean in your clothes, went to a shabby restaurant with him", he counted with his fingers, "you're wearing his clothes right now, went to a place that scares you, and you still haven't run away despite of what I just told you."

Elliot's cheeks turned red and he stared at the lake, trying not to look Tyrell in the eyes. He just couldn't.

"And all of that because you think you have nothing left to lose, because you think it can't get worse. Like it doesn't even matter. Elliot, look at me."

But Elliot couldn't. His eyes were already watering, and he wasn't gonna cry in front of this guy.

"What do you even want from me?", he asked in a raspy voice, still not looking at Tyrell.

"I don't know." Tyrell got back up and sat down next to Elliot, cupping his face in one hand and forcing him to look at him.

"But you joined me. That's gotta mean something. From the moment we met there was something between us, and I know you felt it. You don't wanna leave now."

Slowly nodding, Elliot grabbed Tyrell's wrist with the intention to pull it away from his face, but then he just let it rest there. Tyrell smiled.

And yes, he was right. There was a part of Elliot, a pretty big part at that, that understood perfectly well why Tyrell had done what he had done. He didn't even really think of it as something morally wrong, he just felt his anxiety acting up at the thought of walking around town with someone who could technically be arrested every second.

"Okay." Elliot grabbed his hand, intertwined his fingers with Tyrell's and pulled him up from the bench. "Come on. I have an idea."

 

They walked back towards the city, a little slower this time, so they could enjoy the view of the park they were walking through.

"We should just stay here, where it's nice and peaceful", Tyrell said.

"Oh really, Mr. Make-This-A-Special-Day? No way we're staying here."

They reached the market place shortly after and Elliot walked towards one of the stalls. Luckily the police was nowhere to be seen anymore, and Tyrell seemed to relax a little.

"This looks good." Elliot pointed towards a store on the side of the road.

"There's people in there, Elliot", Tyrell said smirking. 

"Yup. But we gotta go there anyways." Their hands still intertwined, Elliot headed towards the store.

"They have pretty much everything here", Tyrell said slowly. "What exactly do you want?"

It was hilarious to Elliot how confused and uncomfortable Tyrell seemed, now that he wasn't in control for once.

"Aaaand here it is." They had walked right past the clothing aisle and towards another one that had all kinds of stuff, that Tyrell never even thought about buying ever before, ever in his entire life.  
„Is that... party stuff?“ he asked.  


„Yup. You could call it that. But it's actually quite a good quality as you can see.“ Elliot pulled out a curly brown wig and pulled it over his own black hair.  
Tyrell stared at him as if he had lost his mind.

„You're not serious, are you?“

„Dead serious, my friend.“

„That looks ridiculous.“

„But it looks quite real, doesn't it?“  
Elliot pulled on some of the strands to hide every bit of his real hair. It didn't look too bad, but the color was so far from Elliot's real hair color that Tyrell couldn't take it seriously at first.

„You're gonna get lice“, he said dryly, subconsciously gazing around the store to see if people were already giving them weird looks.

„Nah“, Elliot replied, but he pulled the wig from his head and put it back, running his fingers through his hair. Then he grabbed another one, still wrapped up in plastic and handed Tyrell the wig.

„You want people not to recognise you, you gotta look different. Now who's the super criminal here?“

"They're probably not even looking for me. I just thought... it's better to be safe than sorry?" 

Elliot didn't reply, he just kept holding up the wig. 

Tyrell rolled his eyes. „No way I'm walking around with Donald Trump's hair, Tea Party. I'd rather be sentenced to death.“

„Well, no offense but you look more like Trump now than you would with that thing.“

If looks could kill, Elliot would have dropped dead right in this second. They stared at each other for a long time, both pretending to be angry at the other, then Tyrell snatched the wig from Elliot's hand.

„Alright, alright, fine.“

„You should also put on my hoodie once it's dried. No one will recognise you anymore.“

Fully aware that Elliot was joking, Tyrell lightly punched him in the side. „Interesting to hear you say that. But does that mean you're staying?“

Despite the joking tone of voice, Elliot noticed that Tyrell really wanted him to stay - That he would be just as lost on his own as Elliot was.  


„Looks like it." He smiled.

"Care to elaborate, Tea Party?"

A few people were walking past them but didn't even look at them. Two guys buying wigs together might not be as rare as I thought, Elliot figured. Nevertheless he wanted to get out there and breathe some fresh air again as soon as possible. 

"You're an idiot. You'd get yourself arrested without me so someone's gotta take care of you. Now take the stupid Trump wig and let's leave."

He was just about to turn around and walk to the front of the store to pay for the wig, when Tyrell grabbed his arm and stopped him. Before Elliot could even say anything, Tyrell leaned forward and kissed his cheek.  


„Thank you“, he said.  


„What was that for?“ Elliot could feel his face burning and the blood rushing through every inch of his body. Now it was Tyrell who turned around and walked away as if nothing had happened, without a reply.  
Elliot reached out his hand to slowly touch his cheek, a smile spreading across his face.

They held hands again as they walked through the streets, without a clear destination. It was hard for Elliot not to burst out laughing everytime he saw Tyrell's face, the wig and the huge sunglasses they had bought, but to everyone else he probably seemed completely normal.

"This is perfect. They don't suspect the gays“, Tyrell said, raising both their hands.

„They don't? Well, they should.“ Elliot replied, a bit embarrassed.

"Obviously." He pointed to himself.

Was it that easy to be kind of happy?, Elliot wondered. To find a tiny piece of the huge something people stayed alive for? Was it as simple as walking down a crowded street holding hands with a guy, and for the very first time, not feeling scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm sorry this took so long, there was A LOT going on in my life... I moved out and had stuff to do for uni, also depression happened BUT at least I'm doing a bit better mentally so I hope I can finish this story soon (even though I got exams coming up and should probably focus on those haha *eye starts twitching*). Thank you so much to those who commented and I hope you're still enjoying this. I really do appreciate every single kudos and especially every single comment.
> 
> THANKS FOR READING!!
> 
> Jo x


	5. evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Man, I'm so happy that there's still people reading this story!
> 
> So here's what I do instead of studying for my finals.
> 
> Have a great day,
> 
> x Jo

They were sitting on the bench again, side by side, not talking.

The sun was high up in the sky even though it was slowly getting late. Elliot liked that about the summer - Darkness scared him. Even as a kid, he'd sometimes looked out the window and stared at the sunset in fear. It was like a glowing, blinking reminder that it would be night soon and he would be alone with his thoughts again. Nothing could be worse in his eyes.

“The day is almost over”, Elliot stated.  


“Yes, but the night isn't. You promised me 24 hours, remember?”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh let me guess. You want me to get drunk and go to some kind of a fuckin' party.”  
“A “fuckin” party?” Tyrell raised his eyebrows, his lips curling upwards. “What kind of party do you usually go to?”  


“None. I never go out at night. Nights are bad enough without people around you.”

When he noticed how weird his response must sound to someone who didn't feel the same way, he noticed his blood rush to his cheeks. “I mean... Why would you want to be socially active even at night?”

“No no, I get you. I just don't think you know how much nicer things you can do at night.” He slowly got up from the bench and held out his hands. “Come on. We're not done yet, Tea Party.”

Elliot sighed and looked at Tyrell. His hands were still raised, hoping that Elliot would take them, the excited look was back in his eyes.  


But things hadn't changed, had they? Elliot was still suicidal. Tyrell was still a criminal who the police might or might not be looking for. They were still absolutely screwed.

“Shouldn't you like... hide away somewhere or … fake your own death or something?” he asked.  


“Well, we're not going back to the car yet. And I still have that ugly ass wig you bought me, so we should be fine. I'm pretty sure they're not even looking for me, I just.. panicked.”

He nodded and hesitated for another second before he took Tyrell's hands and let him pull him to his feet. Suddenly they were standing way too close for Elliot's liking and he took an awkward step back.

“I gotta check google maps cause I don't know where exactly the thing I wanna go to will be.” Tyrell pulled out his phone and started typing something, fully aware that Elliot's eyes were still focused on him. Sometimes he really couldn't tell if this guy acted this way around everyone or if he was maybe a bit more interested in him than he liked to admit.  


What Elliot really was thinking about in this moment was the way Tyrell's eyelashes curled over his cheeks when he looked down in concentration, so aesthetic that they demanded to be painted by someone. Elliot often had those kinds of thoughts about other people – just like he was able to discover the worst in them, he also noticed all the good quite easily... the beauty that not everyone recognised, that you didn't read about in magazines.

“Nevermind, I got it.” Tyrell looked up and smiled at him. “It's not that far.”  
They walked in the opposite direction for a few minutes. “We gotta hurry a bit though”, Tyrell said. “I don't wanna be inside when the sun goes down.”  
“You wanna watch the sunset?” Elliot asked.

“ 'course. Why would we miss that? It's your last sunset after all.”  


It was a bit exhausting how Tyrell was still playing that “your last day on earth” card the whole time when they both knew it wasn't. Was it supposed to be some kind of psychological trick to make him appreciate the small things in life? Or was he just constantly reminding Elliot of the reason why they were together - that their time was originally destined to come to an end after 24 hours?

“I don't like sunsets”, he mumbled. “They depress me.”  
“Well you'll like this one”, Tyrell shrugged.  
He didn't ask further questions and didn't judge him. Elliot smiled. He was starting to really enjoy his company.

“Almost there”, Tyrell said happily, once they reached the city centre again.  
“You do know all the shops are closed by now, right?” Elliot commented.  
“Do you think I'm stupid, Tea Party?” Tyrell replied, a daring tone in his voice.

“I don't think you want me to give you an honest answer.” He started laughing and quickly jumped to the side when Tyrell reached out his hand, pretending he was about to hit him.  
“Careful”, he said.

Once they reached the giant building, Elliot was already pretty sure he knew that this would be their final destination: The public library.  


“Really? I wouldn't have thought you to be such a nerd”, he joked.  
“Oh come on, Tea Party what else would I have been? A jock? Look at me.” He raised his arm and bent it, showing off his arms who weren't as weak as he was implying.  


“I don't know. Choir boy? Theatre kid?”

“CHOIR BOY?” Tyrell looked seriously upset, but Elliot was full on laughing now.  
“Listen, I don't know what I thought, okay. Maybe you don't even have these categories in Sweden.”  
“The fact that you've never been to Sweden is even more of a disgrace than the fact that you think I look like a choir boy.”  
Elliot stopped walking, grinning up at Tyrell in amusement.  
“Well, you kind of do, though. And not everyone is rich, so get your head out of your choir boy ass.”  
“Fair point. Although you should know how to get money by now. Or didn't you learn anything today?”  
Elliot gasped and hit him on the arm. “You're terrible.”  
“I know.”

Without saying anything else, he started walking towards the library again. Elliot following him hesitantly, trying to get the stupid smile off his face.  
“Can't believe you want me to spend the last evening of my life between books and computers”, he said quietly once they had walked through the door.  
“I know right. Isn't that awesome?”  
“Totally”, Elliot whispered, the smile plastered on his face again. “It's almost like you know me already.”

“Alright, let me paint the picture.” Tyrell cleared his throat, and sat down on a chair backwards, putting his arms on the backrest. “Little Elliot, spending all his lunch breaks in the library because he doesn't wanna play with the other children. Computers are his best friends. He doesn't like sports, the ball always hits his head, making him lose precious brain cells.”

Elliot nodded sadly. “You got it.”  
“That's tragic, Tea Party. Very tragic.”

“It was better off this way though. I don't know what I would've done if I'd had to face the other kids in every lunch break as well. I probably wouldn't even have made it that far.” Even though he spoke in a very low voice, every word still seemed way too loud in the quiet library.  
“Well, you did. And you never have to go back there again.”

“Yeah.” Elliot sighed. “What about you though?”  
Tyrell shrugged. “I had Joanna. We were both outsiders at school and immediately became best friends when she moved to my city. It was weird when we finally started dating. Sometimes I think we would've been better off as friends.  
And other than that... I don't know. I always focused on school, you know. As if that would prove something to the kids who were mean to me. Like, boom fuckers. I made it.” He laughed.

“You did”, Elliot said.  


“Guess so." He stood up. "Okay, enough deep talk. I'm gonna find you a book and you find me one. Deal?”  


“Alright.”

Before Elliot could say anything else, Tyrell had disappeared in one of the aisles, humming a melody that sounded like he just made it up.  
Elliot went into the other direction, aimlessly walking around the book shelves. He had no idea what kind of books he imagined Tyrell would like to read. He seemed like a thriller kind of guy but Elliot could also imagine him liking a super cheesy romance... or even a comedy.

Eventually he ended up with just that. A book about a couple meeting and running away together because they coincidentally were just about to rob the same bank. It sounded so silly and cliché, but something told Elliot that Tyrell would actually love this.  
A few aisles further, he found a sci-fi book about time traveling, and took it with him as well.  
“Ready?” he suddenly heard a voice behind him.

Elliot jumped forward, and a little squeaking noise escaped him.  
“Jesus, Tyrell!”  
“Sorry.” He stepped aside and held up two books in one hand, tapping on the cover of the first one with his other.

“So this one is about rock music. It's so cool. It basically gives you a crash course over all the important stuff that happened in music in the last century. I figured you need this, since you don't know my amazing music.” He smirked. “The other one is quite self-explanatory, I'd say.”

Elliot folded his arms and leaned against the book shelf. “Reasons to stay alive?” he read the title out loud. “Seriously?”

A bit embarrassed, Tyrell shrugged his shoulders. “Figured it'd be useful”, he said.

It was. In fact, Elliot found it adorable that Tyrell had put so much thought into it. “Thank you.” He took the book from his hands, gently brushing his fingers with his own. “Really.”  
They sat in two chairs by the window for a while, flipping through the pages of their books and enjoying the silence.

Elliot had no idea how much time had passed but it was slowly getting darker, and the artificial light was getting brighter, when Tyrell raised his head from the page and said: “It's time.”  
Quietly, they put the books back to where they got them from and went outside. The streets were still quite crowded, but it was getting colder. Suddenly Elliot wished he had his hoodie back on.

“Do you trust me?” Tyrell suddenly asked, out of nowhere.  
“Obviously.”

“Okay.” He took Elliot's hand and walked towards the park again, but this time he took a different turn and lead them down a quieter, more isolated path. Elliot looked over at the little lake, then up to the sky. It really seemed like Tyrell had planned every tiny detail because just in this moment, the sky turned orange, like it was up in flames.

But to be honest, Tyrell hadn't planned it. The way the sky looked from this point of view amazed him as well. He took a deep breath, gathering all his strength.

“That's quite pretty”, he said and nodded, as if to convince himself.

“But still. Depressing. Not sure why this sunset is supposed to be so much better than all the others I've seen.”

Tyrell who had been standing next to Elliot the whole time, looking at him while Elliot was looking at the sunset, now walked towards him. Before Elliot could really fathom what was happening, he had Tyrell's arms around him, one hand stroking his cheek, his lips on his.

Without hesitating, he put one arm around Tyrell's waist, kissing him back with everything he had. His heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was about to jump out of his chest or stop beating altogether.

For a moment it seemed like, even though Tyrell was the one who initiated the kiss, he was surprised that Elliot hadn't pushed him back yet, considering how much Elliot hated being touched. He just hadn't known how to hold himself back anymore and secretly hoped that Elliot felt exactly the way he seemed to.

He let his arms wander a little lower and lifted him up, making Elliot gasp in surprise, pushing him against one of the trees and kissing him again. Elliot opened his mouth, let their tongues swirl around each other, a fire that had been burning low for a while and was now finally embarked.

Tyrell finally pulled away and smiled down at Elliot, breathing heavily. “Let's go somewhere more private”, he said, looking up and down his face, trying to take in every detail.  
It felt a bit surreal to both of them, and Elliot felt his heart rate speeding up when he thought about what Tyrell might mean with “somewhere more private”. 

But he also wanted it... He wanted it so badly.

“What about your sunset”, Elliot joked, laughing nervously.  
“There will be a lot of sunsets for us, Elliot”, he replied softly, took his hand and kissed him again.


	6. night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> This chapter is like 95% smut so if you don't like that, you can skip the chapter and you'll still get what's going on.
> 
> ALSO: This is literally the first smut I've ever written sooooo *buries own grave*
> 
> PS: Tabu and Naomi, I hope you know I will never be able to look you in the eyes again now, Bye bye

The way to the hotel was only a short walk, but they kept stopping every few minutes to pull back in for a kiss, a hug or just hold on to the moment a little longer.

Elliot felt like he was high for the first time again. The euphoric feeling that made you forget about all your worries for a while, that feeling of excitement and happiness that he usually only achieved when he was on drugs – just a hundred times better. And yet, there was a kind of anxiety lingering at the back of his mind, as if he was about to go on a rollercoaster that he knew he wanted to ride, but was also terrifying. And once he was in, there was no going back. Well - okay... maybe not the best metaphor.

When they walked into the foyer of the hotel, he had his arm around Tyrell's waist, still trying to kiss him. “Jeez, Elliot, you're gonna have to keep your hands off me for a second. Stop being so horny”, he said, trying to hold back his laughter.

“Well, I'm sorry, you better hurry.” It was hard to keep the smile off his face, while he watched Tyrell walk towards the reception. Every cell in his body was tingling as he waited for him to come back.  


They got in the elevator quietly, still hand in hand, winking at each other every now and then. But the second Elliot closed the door behind them, his lips were back on Tyrell's. He was smiling into the kiss, grabbing Elliot's collar to pull him in closer. A bit awkward, but also incredibly turned on, Elliot's eyes moved up and down Tyrell's face as he said:  
"So now you got me."

“And you had me from the second I saw you. Shit, Elliot you have no idea.” Putting one hands on Tyrell's lips, Elliot shook his head. He was smiling like an idiot once again.  
“Stop it.”  
“Nope. I won't.” He pulled Elliot back in for a kiss, guiding him towards the center of the room.  
They sank to the bed, their lips still not parting for even a second. Tyrell first pulled his own shirt off, then slowly lifting the fabric of the one Elliot was wearing. 

Once again he was fascinating by the amount of ink on Tyrell's body. Some classic tattoo symbols, others impossible for him to understand.  
"Okay?" He asked, his fingers still on Elliot's shirt. Elliot simply nodded. Not very convincing. “You sure?”  


“Yes”, he said silently, well aware that he was shaking.  


Tyrell let go off his shirt for a second and took him into his arms. He kissed him again, softly, stroking his back. Elliot sighed against his chest, calming his breath as he took in Tyrell's scent - already so familiar after such a short time. 

"You are safe here. We don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

Slowly he moved away from Tyrell and looked at him. His hands moved up to Elliot's head, stroking the shaved sides, then he quickly placed a kiss on his forehead. 

"I want you to be comfortable, okay?" They locked eyes for a few seconds, then Elliot nodded. He grabbed the seam of his shirt and pulled it over his head, tossing it aside. Even though he wasn't shaking anymore, the cool air on his skin made him shiver instantly. He closed his eyes and ran his hands through Tyrell's hair.  
“Now it's good that you're not wearing the wig anymore", he tried to joke.  
They both started laughing, in disbelief that this was really happening.

“You're beautiful”, Tyrell said softly, running his fingers along Elliot's face again, lightly touching his cheeks and jawline, tracing his lips with his thumbs. His eyes still partly closed, Elliot looked up at him.  


“I'm not”, he said, wishing Tyrell hadn't commented on his appearance at all. He knew he was too skinny, too pale, too bruised and scarred everywhere. To be honest, he wasn't even sure what had gotten into him by taking off his shirt like that.

He'd had sex before, with girls as well as with guys, but he had been high during every single one of them. Most of his memories were blurry, if not completely non-existent. He knew that wasn't a good thing, and it was dangerous. But the thought of being totally sober and clean during sex was difficult for him. It made it more special, certainly, but also terrifying.

It made him aware of his own vulnerability.

“You are. You really are." He tilted his head, looking almost sad that Elliot didn't believe him. "Those are beautiful eyes -” He leaned in and placed a kiss at Elliot's temple, right next to each of his eyes. “That's a beautiful nose.” He ran his finger over Elliot's nose. “Those are beautiful lips.” Elliot rolled his eyes, but he was smiling when Tyrell traced his lips with his finger again. 

“You're so chee-” he said, but he didn't get to finish. Tyrell's lips first on his jawline, then behind his ear sent shivers down his spine.  
“That's a beautiful neck -” He closed his eyes again, trying to control his breathing, as Tyrell's touch went further down his body. In some places he was sucking and nibbling so much that Elliot was certain he'd be covered in marks by the next day.

The next day. Well, who cared about the next day.

“Beautiful shoulders. Beautiful arm.”

Elliot was still covering his chest with his arms but Tyrell didn't mind. He kissed down his shoulder to his wrist, tracing a line of fire with his lips. Once he reached Elliot's hand, he blew a kiss on his knuckles. He looked back up at him, raising his eyebrows. “Looks like there's two of them.”  
Elliot could feel himself blushing and put the arm over his face, while Tyrell moved on to his other one.

“Come on”, he said, laughing. 

Tyrell took his other hand and kissed down the arm, pretending like the burn marks and bruises on them didn't even exist. Every time his lips touched one of them, the shivers on Elliot's back grew stronger. It was a nice feeling, even though the loss of control still made him uneasy. Their fingers still intertwined, Tyrell looked back up at him. “Beautiful chest”, he said, and tilted his head, as if to ask for permission. When Elliot nodded his head, he started leaving kisses all over Elliot's upper body, moving slow and careful so he could watch Elliot's reaction.

“Fuck.” The word escaped his lips before he could stop himself, causing Tyrell to smile up at him and raise his torso.

“Ah, you really want it, don't you?” He put one hand on Elliot's belt, already feeling his erection under the fabric.

“Shut up”, Elliot put his free hand on Tyrell's mouth, his cheeks turning red. Then he lead both their hands to his crotch. Immediately, Tyrell let go of his hand and fumbled with the belt, until he could pull off Elliot's pants completely.

Elliot inhaled sharply, shifting in his position, so he was resting on his elbows and could look at Tyrell, who instantly seemed to understand why.  
He crawled back up to capture his lips one more time, cupping his cheek in one hand. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yes.” Elliot squeezed his hand a few times. He was already too turned on at this point to overthink his answer – there wasn't any blood left that could have supported his brain. No more anxiety, just ecstasy.

“Fuck, you're really so beautiful.” Tyrell's lips moved back down, tracing a exploding sensation along his body. A smill whimpering sound slipped from Elliot's lips and he tilted his head forwards. Not changing his position, Tyrell reached out his hand to cup his face. "It's okay. Just feel."

A little smile appeared on Elliot's face. As he felt Tyrell's lips on his skin again, somewhere near his hip bones, his eyes fluttered shut. By the time Tyrell reached his core, Elliot was putty in his hands. 

He reached for his cock, lightly gripping the shaft, thumb circling the head, slowly stroking.

Even this light touch was enough to make Elliot go completely crazy. His eyes closed, he tried his best not to make too much noise.

Tyrell moved a few inches backwards, placing himself in between Elliot's legs. Fingers moving lightly up and down his legs.

"Tyrell." It was barely more than a whisper. "Tyrell, please."

"Oh, begging already?" Despite his eyes still being closed, Elliot could hear the smile in his voice. Tyrell brought his lips close to Elliot's core, his breath on his skin causing Elliot to shiver.

He let out a small whimper as Tyrell went back to kissing his hip bones and upper legs, leaving out the desired area. Elliot's head rolled back, finally finding its place on the pillow.

"Fuck, Tyrell, please."

Although it was fun didn't tease him for long though. As he finally closed his lips around his shaft, Elliot let out a moan, biting his lip to keep himself quiet - which didn't work at all.

Tyrell took him all the way into his mouth and started swirling his tongue around him, leaving Elliot a moaning mess underneath him. His hands gripped the sheets, almost pulling them completely of the mattress. Tyrell stopped and raised his head for a second, saying: “You're gonna wake up every single person in this building. Perfect.” 

Without replying, Elliot buried his fingers in Tyrell's hair and pushed him back down to his crotch, where Tyrell immediately continued where he left off.

He seemed to enjoy Elliot's sounds and him squirming around, his hips flexing. It didn't take long for Elliot to notice he was getting close, and suddenly there was something in the back of his head again, feeling kind of embarrassed about the fact that he was gonna cum now... in front of another person... while sober.

“Fuck, I think I'm close”, Elliot said out of breath. “I want you... inside of me.” Only 24 hours ago, he wouldn't have thought he would ever say something like this to anyone, but here he was. A bit surprised but certainly not disappointed, Tyrell raised his head and nodded. He got up to get something from his bag, while Elliot stayed on the bed, already regretting his decision. All he wanted was for Tyrell to make him cum, the sooner the better, feel his lips around his core again.

“Tyrell!”

He walked back towards the bed and Elliot couldn't help but stare at his almost naked body, in awe that this person was here, with HIM. Elliot Alderson. It was crazy.  
“You're … you're not doing this because you think I just have to have sex today right? With your whole 'great last day policy' or whatever.”

Tyrell looked confused for a second, then he sighed. “If I had wanted that, I could've ordered you a really hot stripper, Tea Party. Don't think you're just getting this for free cause I have sympathy.” He moved his hand up and down his body. Elliot snorted and shook his head.

“Please be honest for a second.”

“Okay, listen, Elliot, I wanted to do this since the second I first saw you. Not because I wanna prove some point, but because you're amazing and I really like you.”  
Elliot smiled. “I think I wanted to do this since I saw you at the beach.”

“Understandable. I'm a real snack.” He leaned forward and kissed him, slowly and tenderly, tracing Elliot's jawline with his fingers. “I'm nothing compared to you though.”  


He kissed his cheek and then lay down on Elliot's other side.

“You really want this?” 

Elliot nodded and closed his eyes again, while he could hear Tyrell opening something that was probably a bottle of lube, and then slowly easing one, and then two fingers inside of him.

He tried to hold back the moan, but simply couldn't.  
“Fuuuuuck, Tyrell, fuck.”

Not too long after, he could feel Tyrell filling him up entirely, his breath on his shoulder, then his thrusting motions further into him.  
He felt too high to be scared, to euphoric to overthink. This was his new drug, his new sweet escape, his new passion. 

When he could feel himself getting closer, Tyrell's hand went back to Elliot's core, jerking him off. They both came shortly after each other, not even trying to contain themselves for the sake of other hotel guests.

Breathlessly, Tyrell lay down next to him.

"I can't believe we did this", Elliot said quietly, but he sounded more happy than regretful.

One hand on Elliot's cheek, Tyrell looked at him for a few very long moments. Once both of their breathing calmed down, he finally answered.

"I'm so glad I found you", he whispered. "I'm so glad I got there in time."

The pain in his eyes hit Elliot like a truck, immediately bringing a lump to his throat. He couldn't say anything, he just looked back into his eyes.

They stayed in this position for a couple of minutes, then Tyrell got up to clean up some of the mess they had made. When he noticed it was pointless, he sat back down on the bed, stroking Elliot's hair, looking at him.

“Shower?”, he asked softly.  
Elliot slowly nodded and leaned in for a kiss. “Sounds good.”

Both too exhausted to go for some more action, they simply helped each other get all clean and enjoyed the warm water on their skin.

Running his hands over Tyrell's skin, Elliot leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“I wanna know what each of them means”, he said, tracing the tattoo's on his chest. “I need to get to know them all.”  
“You will”, Tyrell said gently, put his arms around him and pulled him in, as if to say “I'll never let you go again.”

***

By the time they got out of the shower, the sky was pitch black, and only the street lantern in front of the window illuminated the room.

"Are you tired?" Tyrell asked quietly.

Elliot had just put his boxers back on, clasping his hands awkwardly, as if all of his anxiety had suddenly come rushing back.

"Yes. But I don't wanna sleep."

Tyrell nodded slowly. "You really don't like nighttime, do you?"

Elliot sat back down on the side of the bed. "Not really."

"Well, I'm here now."

He lay down and Elliot curled up next to him, resting his head on Tyrell's chest.

"Yesterday at this time we didn't even know each other", he said slowly, his voice slurring.

"I know. We should definitely take it slow."

Elliot snorted and gazed up at him to see if he was joking.

"Well, we didn't exactly have time for slow", Tyrell added.

"Stop saying that."

"What?"

"Stop acting like I'm gonna die. Like... I don't know. When I wake up tomorrow, you'll be gone because your job is over. And I'll just go back to the tracks and.. finish what I started."

"Well, at first that WAS my job. To somehow get you through today."

"I don't wanna be a job though." Elliot raised his head. "I don't want you to feel responsible for me in that way."

"You say that as if I had so much better stuff to do." He cupped Elliot's cheek with his hand like he usually did before kissing him. "Today was the best day I've had in a very long time. Because of you. And there's absolutely no way in the world I won't be here when you wake up. Except for when there's like an apocalypse or something and we both die in our sleep... or the hotel burns down or I have a heart attack... or I get abducted by aliens..."

Elliot chuckled and gently shook his head. "You're such a disaster."

"Is that enough for you for now?"

"That's perfect."

Even though he didn't want to sleep, Elliot could feel his eyelids getting heavy. He rested his head on Tyrell's chest again, the steady breathing calming him, Tyrell's fingers stroking his hair.

Just as he was about to drift off, he heard him whispering something in Swedish - the same phrases over and over again.

"Du är säker med mig.... Du behöver aldrig vara ensam igen. Du är säker med mig."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wiggles eyebrows*
> 
> x Jo


	7. restart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH for your sweet comments, it really means more to me than I could ever explain and keeps me going when I feel like my writing sucks ass. You're all incredibly sweet and I wouldn't have thought this story would even get any kudos.
> 
> So now prepare for some fluff and softness ^^

It was still early when Elliot woke up - He hadn't slept very well. Firstly because he didn't like not sleeping in a bed that wasn't his, and secondly because he woke up constantly during the night to check if Tyrell was still next to him and it hadn't all been a dream.

The memories of yesterday made him feel like his insides had turned to jelly. Every touch, every kiss from the night before was replaying in his head, making him want to cry with happiness. When had he become such a mess for this guy he only met 24 hours ago? Where did all these feelings come from, feelings he hadn't even known he was capable of?

But he looked into those eyes and he felt it, like he had finally found a place where he could lay his head to rest and … not be terrified of what the next day might bring. It was a feeling like waking up to sunlight, like hot coffee on a cold day, like watching the rain from the inside, curled up on the sofa with a blanket.  
A feeling like home.

He rolled over, facing Tyrell who was still asleep, stroking his hair. His eyes fluttered open, and he shifted his position a bit, now fully facing Elliot.

“Good morning.”

“Try to get some more sleep, my love”, Tyrell murmured in response.

Elliot smiled, his heart leaping. “Yes. But you're too far away.”

“I agree.”

Without another word, he wrapped his arms around Elliot, reaching for his hand under the blanket.  
“Okay?” he asked.  
“Perfect.”  
Only moments later Elliot had drifted back to sleep, feeling as content as he hadn't felt in a long time.

When he woke up again and knew for sure that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again... His mind was racing at what felt like a hundred miles an hour.  
Rubbing his eyes, he sat up and stared out the glass frontage on one side of the room. A smile spread across his face when he noticed the sky lighting up in a dozen different colors. 

“Tyrell”, he whispered, gently shaking his arm.  
At first there was no reaction, then he groaned.

“Tea Party, I hope you have a good reason for waking me up this early.”

“I do. Look.” Elliot pointed towards the huge window. “Something tells me you have a thing for sunrises too.” The smile on his face kept getting wider.

Tyrell turned his head and checked out the view, then his eyes wandered back to Elliot. He sighed. “I thought it's my job to point this stuff out to you.”

“Nope. I noticed all by myself.” Elliot rolled over, cupping Tyrell's cheek with his hand and kissing him. It was softer than the day before. Not a huge explosion, more like a butterfly landing on a flower. As he pulled away, Tyrell's eyes were still on Elliot.  
“Looks like you don't really need my help anymore”, he teased him.

Elliot rolled his eyes, about to reply with a sarcastic comment, when suddenly a thought came up from the back of his mind. The smile vanished from his face immediately.  
“What's wrong?”

He bit his lip and looked away. “I just remembered you're going back to Sweden tomorrow.”  
Tyrell laughed in relief. “Oh come on, don't be silly. I'm not going anywhere without my Tea Party.”  


A warm feeling spread in Elliot's body, chasing away the fear that had just taken over him. 

“But what exactly are we gonna do now?” He couldn't imagine going back home, not yet – maybe not ever.

“Well, do you still want to die?” A serious look on his face, Tyrell took his hand.  
“Not right now”, Elliot answered honestly, staring at both of their hands. “But it never really ends. It just waits underneath the surface until I'm in a more vulnerable spot again.”  
Saying it out loud made him feel weird, like he was an overly dramatic teenager who had never gotten out of his edge phase. Nevertheless it was true, and he knew there was no better way of putting it.

“You know what? You're free now. There's not really much you have left to lose if the alternative is suicide, right? You can do whatever the hell you want.”  
He had a point, Elliot thought. But still, he knew it wasn't that easy. He just didn't know how to go on.  
“So what do you wanna do?”

He tilted his head. “I wanna look at sunrises and sunsets with you.”  
Tyrell smiled and quickly squeezed his hand. “That's a good one.”

As Tyrell got up to get dressed, Elliot stayed in bed, looking at him with a hint of a smile on his lips. Squinting his eyes he tried to make out each tattoo on his back.

“I can't believe you have a tattoo of an infinity symbol. That's such a basic white girl thing.”

Tyrell turned his head, an eyebrow raised. “Don't I look like a basic white girl to you, Elliot?”

“Well, now that you say it.” He grinned.

“It's not an infinity symbol though. Look.” Tyrell sat back down on the bed, pointing towards the black ink on the back of his arm.

“An eight?” Elliot asked jokingly, but then he noticed there was a piece missing on one of the sides. The second circle wasn't closed, it looked more like one single circle with some kind of embellishment on it.

“Why does it look like this?”  
“Because the tattoo artist was wasted.”  
“Tyrell!”  
The look on his face was dead serious. “I got the tattoo done while sitting on a motorcycle and the person behind me did it.”

Elliot couldn't help but laugh. “Why does that sound like something you would actually do?”  


“Because it happened.”  


“Yeah right. I want the actual story. Remember what you promised me yesterday? That you would tell me the meaning?”

For some reason Elliot could feel himself blushing like a 13-year-old, as he mentioned the night before.

“Alright. But believe me, the real explanation is a lot more boring. It's supposed to be -” He paused and shook his head, laughing.  


“It's supposed to be the exact opposite of an infinity symbol. Because there really isn't such a thing as infinity. Nothing is infinite. Not even our universe, cause who knows? It might disappear in a black hole any day. And humanity isn't infinite either.  
All the couples who promise themselves their love will be infinite... they know it isn't true. They mean “for all my life”, but then they should just say that, you know? Anyways. The thought of … finiteness gives me comfort.”

Elliot nodded slowly. “How is it comforting that we're all gonna die, though? I never really got that.”  
“Well, it's not only love that's finite. Also pain, and suffering, and grief, and anxiety and sadness. That isn't infinite either. Good times will pass and bad times will pass, too. That's just how it is and always will be.”

Trying not to show that he was a bit impressed, Elliot nodded again, tracing the black lines on Tyrell's skin. He crawled to the side of the bed, sitting down next to him.

“What's with the wolf”, he then said.  
“The wolf?”  
“The wolf on your back.”  
“Well, I like wolves.”  
Elliot froze. “That's it? It doesn't mean anything?”  
“It means I like wolves.”  
He bit his lip. “That's... wow.”  
“You asked, okay?”  
“I did.”

Tyrell rolled his eyes at the amused expression on Elliot's face. He grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards the mattress again. Elliot protested but didn't show any intentions to free himself. Running his hands over Tyrell's back, he brought their lips back together. 

"Tell me more", he whispered against his lips.

"More tattooes?" 

Elliot nodded up at him, his fingers stroking Tyrell's right shoulder, where he had seen a constellation of stars made of black ink, only minutes ago. 

"This?" 

"Pisces. Joanna's zodiac sign and my rising sign." 

He smiled. Although he had not expected Tyrell to be interested in astrology - Tyrell was totally the type of person who was into astrology. 

"What about this?" He let his fingers wander down Tyrell's arms, along the black lines encircling both of them, down to the elbow. Right away, Elliot could feel the goosebumps caused by his light touch. 

"War paint." His lips curled up but his eyes were serious. "And that number down there -" He shivered as Elliot's fingers reached his wrist. "Coordinates of my hometown." Without letting go of Elliot's shoulders, he rolled over and sank into the mattress. 

Elliot grabbed his wrist again and took a look at the coordinates. 

"I always had to wear my watch at work to cover that one", Tyrell said, a bit ashamed. 

"What about this?" Elliot's fingers had now reached Tyrell's chest, or more specifically, the tattoo of the letter X. 

"That was my first one. It just felt right, you know? That-" He took Elliot's hand and guided it towards his ribs. His entire right side was covered by the outline of a sunflower, poked in black ink for some reason. Inside the flower it read: "The heart is a bloom". 

"That's from the song "It's a beautiful day" by U2. And those notes-" He moved Elliot's hand to the other side of his ribs, right underneath his heart. 

His lips curled into a smile. "Swedish national anthem." 

Elliot giggled and pushed a strand of hair out of Tyrell's face, that kept covering his eye.

"Wanna know more?" Tyrell asked.

Elliot slowly shook his head, his left hand still above Tyrell's ribs. "Later. For now I wanna leave some more marks on you... if you get what I mean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( In case anyone wants to know what kind of music I listen to while writing, here's a playlist for this fic https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3l50lUrJPveujHfo5TZVWX?si=nkT75jA0SP-T2cuEIXFpiQ )
> 
> Thanks for reading :D
> 
> ps: I edited this chapter to change something that was brought to my attention by a reader. 
> 
> I'm always happy to read feedback so hmu in the comments!
> 
> x Jo (September 23, 2019)


	8. shake away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is taking so long, depression and exams are a thing :(
> 
> Buuuut I finally figured out where the plot is going so lmao yeah
> 
> I decided to focus a bit more on Tyrell for this chapter but i PROMISE you there's some good shit coming up (if you enjoy fluffy shit, that is).
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND COMMENTING ILY AHHH
> 
> x Jo
> 
> Ps: Did you guys see Carly's post on Insta? Ahhhhhhhhhh I died DIED DIEDDDDDD. Not to be dramatic but I would die for both of them bye

The world outside was still calm when they left the hotel, walking in silence. Elliot didn't know where they were going and he wasn't sure if Tyrell knew either. His face didn't show what he was thinking or feeling, but when Elliot grabbed his hand he could see the hint of a smile on his lips.

Eventually, they got back to where they had left the car the day before and Tyrell opened the door, as self-evidently as if he hadn't stolen it not too long ago.

Responding to Elliot's skeptical gaze, he said: “I changed the license plate.”

Elliot looked at the car, a frown on his face. “How do you even know how to do that shit?”

“I have my sources.”

“Right.” He got in and was immediately hit by the faint scent of salt water and moisture. Had it really only been twenty-four hours since he had jumped into the ocean in his clothes?

“We could go back to the sea”, Elliot slowly said.

“We can. But we already have plans for tonight.”

He frowned. “Yes?”

“Uh huh. Irving invited us.”

“Oh Jesus Christ.” The words escaped Elliot's lips before he could stop them.

“We don't have to go if you don't want to. I just think it was kinda nice of him. And there's something else we have to do. You should talk to your sister.”

This was getting worse and worse. Of course Elliot was well aware that he SHOULD tell Darlene what had happened and why he might not come home for a while. But just the thought of having that conversation made him want to drink a bottle of Clorox.

Irony, anyone?

Tyrell put his hand on Elliot's. “I'm already in enough trouble if someone finds out what I did. I don't want them to think I additionally kidnapped a poor depressed guy while I was busy stealing money from rich people.”

Elliot shook his head, his lips curling upwards. His voice was almost just a whisper. “No one would even notice, Tyrell.”

He looked over his shoulder and started the engine. “Don't say that”, he said quietly. “So many people would miss you forever. They would suffer so much.”

Shit. Elliot bit his lips, starting to feel a bad for forgetting about Joanna, even for a second. Not only was he insensitive and had a talent for saying the wrong things at the wrong time, but in addition he was feeling something he really shouldn't be feeling – jealousy.

He had no right to be jealous of a dead woman just because he spent one night with her widower, he just knew that she probably would always play the leading role in his head. Tyrell seemed loyal like that, he wasn't moving on easily. And yet, here he was. With him.

Without saying another word, Tyrell headed back towards the ocean. Lost in his thoughts, he stared at the road ahead, until Elliot spoke again.

“I'm sorry about last night.”

Tyrell's fingers grabbed the wheel even harder, his knuckles turning white. “You're what?”

“I shouldn't have – you know. I didn't think about the fact that you're still grieving someone.”

“No.” He interrupted him, violently shaking his head. “No... Elliot you don't understand. I will always grieve Joanna. As long as I live. That doesn't change how I feel about you.”

“We've literally known each other for a day, and I haven't exactly shown you my best side.”

“Whatever.” He took his eyes of the road for a few seconds, letting them wander up and down Elliot's face. “Life is short. And I wanna do this.”

A warm feeling spread in Elliot's chest, chasing away the pain and jealousy for a moment. He nodded.

“You're right about that.”

***

When they reached the ocean, they silently left the car and walked towards the ocean hand in hand. There were still barely any people, so they sat down quite close to the shore. Elliot closed his eyes, feeling the wind on his face.

When he opened them again, he noticed Tyrell looking at him, a blissful smile on his lips.

"What?"

Before he got an answer, Tyrell reached for the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss. 

It was soft, lazy, not more than a promise of what they both knew was to come if they didn't hold themselves back anymore.

After he pulled away, Tyrell rested his forehead against Elliot's, looking at him eye to eye.

"I didn't think I'd ever get this cheesy." Elliot said with a smile.

He had only had one relationship before and that one hadn't lasted that long either. To this day he still wasn't sure if she had really loved him as more than just a friend.  
And even though he had never seen the need to label his sexuality, he hadn't exactly had many options. Meeting people involved leaving the house and going to social events, and that was something he tended to avoid.

"It's not cheesy, okay." Tyrell leaned back, letting himself sink in the sand.

After a few moments of hesitation, Elliot lay down next to him, blinking up at the sky.

"It's pretty cloudy." He turned his head to face Tyrell. "Yesterday it was nicer."

"So you don't wanna go swimming today?" Tyrell ironically.

"Not really. But you know what? Laying here wasn't a good idea."

He raised his eyebrows. "Because?"

"Because we're gonna get your car dirty again."

Tyrell's lips curled upwards. "Well, Tea Party, I might have overreacted a little yesterday, because - as you might have noticed - it isn't my car."

They both started laughing, just a chuckle at first but finding they were both unable to stop. It was liberating to just laugh it off and think of the absurdity of the situation. Wiping a single tear from his left eye, Elliot looked up at the sky again. 

"I think I'm ready now", he said.

"Ready for what?"

"To talk to my sister. But don't you dare leave while I'm there."

It was supposed to be a joke, but deep down they both knew it wasn't. He had no reason to trust Tyrell yet, and he didn't really understand why Tyrell would even want to stay with him.

"I won't." He smiled. "I'm not going anywhere."

***

They stayed by the ocean for a bit, talking and kissing and laughing, until they decided to get up and walk back to the car.

Tyrell drove him to Darlene's apartment, saying it was more polite than just calling her. Despite Elliot saying that his sister wasn't used to him doing polite things, Tyrell insisted on it.

"You're quiet", he said after they had been driving for a while. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I just feel really bad. I didn't even properly tell her I wouldn't come yesterday, and then I just... wasn't available for a whole day. She's gonna be mad at me."

"Just tell her the truth and she won't be mad", Tyrell said softly. "She loves you. It'll be okay."

Elliot nodded. "We only have each other." He wasn't even sure what his point was, but it was true.

When they arrived, he felt his heart beating so fast, he thought he might pass out.

Tyrell reassured him that he would wait in the car, as Elliot finally gathered himself enough to get out and walk up to the door.  
Darlene opened within a few seconds, almost as if she had waited for him.

"Elliot!" She threw herself into his arms, squeezing him. Feeling his body tense up, Elliot tried to relax and calm his breath. He put his arms around her, breathing in her hair.

For a few moments everything was fine - but once she let go off him, she suddenly slapped his arm. "I was worried about you!" She shook her head, an annoyed look on her face. "At least call me, okay?"

He had no idea how to explain to her that he somehow convinced himself she didn't care about him anymore... just so he could commit suicide in peace. It didn't even make sense to himself anymore and certainly wouldn't seem logical to Darlene.

"I fucked up", he said. His voice was so raspy, he had to clear his throat before he could continue. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I guess. Just don't do it again." She finally took a step back to let him inside, but then she discovered the car standing directly in front of the house. "Who took you here?", she asked.

"That's... uhhh... that's... can we go inside first?"

They got inside, and Elliot looked around the room, once again surprised how clean Darlene kept her apartment even when she didn't expect visitors. His own place was always a mess, and every time he tried to sort through stuff, it looked the exact same way again by the next day.

He awkwardly took off his shoes - which were still dirty from the beach - and sat down on the couch by the window, pulling his legs up until he sat cross-legged. Before Darlene even sat down, he started fumbling with the cuffs of his pants just to keep his fingers busy.

Tyrell does that when he's nervous, he thought. He's always fumbling, always fidgeting. Elliot had no idea where that thought was coming from but it put a little smile on his face.

"So what's wrong?" Her eyes were pleading him to tell the truth. Chances were she already knew that something else was going on.

"I'm so sorry I didn't come yesterday. I wasn't feeling very well and just... couldn't talk about it." 

"Okay." 

"I just - I didn't wanna tell you this but I'm really struggling again at the moment. I don't really know what to do with myself yet."

Darlene didn't reply, just looked at him, waiting.

"And then yesterday it was really bad but instead of telling you I ... handled it my own way. Because telling you doesn't change anything, but I know I still should. I know it's all I have and I appreciate it."

Was he supposed to tell her about Tyrell too? He had no idea if he was comfortable with that yet.

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it quickly. "I'm glad you're telling me now", she said. But Elliot just kept going.

"Then I met someone. Yesterday. He kind of helped me. Not kind of. He did. And now he's still here. In the car."

Jesus Christ, could this get any more awkward?

She chuckled. "Is this your very uncomfortable way of telling me you're dating someone?"

The blood was already rushing to his face again. He nodded slowly.

"I guess you could say that."

"You're the best person I know, Elliot and you deserve nothing less."

She hugged him again, this time much less tight than the first one. 

"You're not alone, okay? Not as long as I'm here. I'm here for you and Trenton too."

Trenton was Darlene's girlfriend, who - surprise - had been her best friend in high school and for many years after that. Elliot had known her for so long that she sometimes felt like a second sister, however, he was glad she wasn't home right now. This was a thing between Darlene and him only.

He nodded against her shoulder and then pulled himself out of the hug.

"I love you, but you know I sometimes just can't ask for help."

"That's because you're a dumbass", she said lovingly. "You know what? We should invent some codeword for when you don't wanna talk. When you just want me to come over and watch Back To The Future 2 with you and make sure you get some sleep."

"I like that", he said with a smile.

"Codeword 'chicken'?", she proposed.

"Perfect."

They both laughed and it felt good, chasing away the last bit of awkwardness Elliot had been feeling. 

"Wanna introduce me to your special someone?"

Your special someone. That sounded so... important.

"We don't even know each other that well yet."

She smiled. "You know what? Your face says something different."

***

Tyrell was still sitting in the car when Elliot got outside. He sped up his walk and opened the car door, quickly sitting down on the passenger seat.

"How'd it go?" Tyrell grabbed his hand and stroked the skin with his thumb. "You look relieved."

"I am." Elliot leaned in and placed a kiss on his lips. "She wants to meet you."

"Oh shit, Tea Party, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?"

His face didn't match his words - a smile appeared on his face, and his eyes were sparkling. 

Elliot shrugged and pointed towards the entrance, the door still wide open.

"She's waiting."

When they walked in, Tyrell suddenly grabbed Elliot's sleeve and whispered: "What did you tell her how we met?"

"The truth."

He sighed and then let go of Elliot's arm. "Alright then."

"Come in, don't be shy." Darlene appeared in the door. "Hi, I'm Darlene."

"Tyrell." He smiled.

There were at least three different ways in which Tyrell smiled, Elliot had noticed.

Number one was the business man smile he put on when he was around strangers and wanted to make a good impression.

Then there was the happy, authentic smile everytime that appeared on his face whenever he looked at Elliot and didn't have time to control his emotions, or when he was joking about something.

Lastly, the one that was a little harder to distinguish. Tyrell himself would probably think of it as the business man smile, but there was something else about it - the fear to be hurt, rejected or not understood.

He wanted to be liked so badly, and he probably didn't even realize it.

"I heard what you did for my brother and I'm really glad you two... found each other." 

She went in for a hug, wrapping her arms around Tyrell who was way too tall for her to do it properly.

At first he seemed surprised, not knowing how to react, looking at Elliot over her head. Then his face went soft and he put his arms around her as well.

His gaze was still on Elliot, his pupils widening.

"I'm glad, too."


	9. somebody to love

Elliot was in a great mood, now that Darlene knew what was going on. Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, he leaned back on his sister's couch and watched her talk to Tyrell. His eyes moving in between them, he enjoyed the fact that he had those two amazing people in one place.

Every time something great happened to him, he tried to take pictures in his mind, taking it in and putting it away somewhere safe. It would help him in times when he had trouble remembering that anything good could ever happen to him, days like yesterday.

“Do you live around here, Tyrell?” Darlene asked at one point, looking at him curiously. Elliot shot her a warning gaze as if to say 'cool it down'. She was already asking too many questions for his liking. 

“No, not really.” He laughed. “Actually I was going to go back to Sweden in the next few days. Your brother kind of got in the way of that.” He winked at Elliot, who bit his lip to stop himself from smiling like an idiot.

“Sweden?” Darlene raised her eyebrows in Elliot's direction. She was such a dork sometimes. At least she hadn't insulted Tyrell yet – neither accidentally nor deliberately. She had a talent for that. 

“Yeah. It's not like I don't like it here but at some point you have to come home I guess.” 

“Must've been lonely all alone, huh?” She asked and took a sip of the coffee in front of her.

“Oh, I have friends everywhere. Actually Tea P-, Elliot and I have an invitation to a party tonight, I'm sure you could come too.” His face lit up as he remembered.  
“Oh no, I don't wanna like ruin your romantic evening or anything.” 

“You wouldn't. There will be more people than just us. My friend said it will be quite big, actually.”

Aaaaand I'm out, Elliot thought. Well, whatever.

Darlene shrugged. “Sounds fun. Can my girlfriend come too?”  
“Sure!” 

Tyrell gave her the directions, sounding overly excited.  
Not to long after that, they left. Elliot felt exhausted enough after everything he had talked about, and Darlene said she needed at least 4 hours of preparation before she could go to any social event.

“I really don't think you need that”, Tyrell said, half joking, half serious.

“Aww, Elliot, I think I already like your boyfriend.” She laughed and then suddenly slapped her hand in front of her mouth. “Wait, is it even official yet?”

“Two days, Darlene”, Elliot reminded her. “Cool it down.”

“Alright, alright.”

Elliot felt oddly disconnected to the world around him again when they walked back to the car. It was quite a good feeling, but also strange.

“You ok?” Tyrell asked, unlocking the car.  
“Yeah. I'm great.” He smiled to seem more convincing.

“Your sister really lives in the middle of nowhere.” Leaning against the car, Tyrell looked around the houses, perfectly lined up, each with a little garden in front of it. It was the typical suburb.

“Actually, Trenton lives here. Her girlfriend. They moved in together because Darlene's place was the biggest shit hole ever. And they've been dating forever anyways.”

“That's cute.” He kept looking around. “Tea Party, it looks like there's a lot of lost places around here.”  
“Lost places?”

“Well, places like the ones we talked about this morning.”

Elliot frowned. “Well... There's... the forest. And the old factory.”

In one swift motion, Tyrell pushed himself away from the car and opened the door for Elliot.

“NOW we're talking.”

"That's like the lamest place in the world though." Elliot shrugged, as they got inside. "You'd probably be disappointed. It's not a lost place, it's just shabby. No one looks after it anymore, but they didn't take the time to knock it down either."

"Nah, I appreciate places like that." He looked around, then started driving. "How do we get there?"

Once again Elliot had no idea where Tyrell was going with this, but he still told him the way.

They drove through the middle of nowhere for a while, until Elliot wasn't even sure anymore if they were going in the right direction.

"Somewhere here... I don't know. I think Darlene showed me the place when we were kids but I don't really remember."

Up to now Elliot hadn't noticed just how exhausted he was. He had gotten enough sleep, that wasn't the problem, but the past few days had just been too much. He knew that sooner or later he would need some time for himself, but at the same time the thought was unbearable right now.

It didn't take long until they reached the old building. It was three stories high, but the roof was missing on one side, making it look even more depressing than it already did with its graffiti sprayed walls and loose bricks lying around everywhere. 

"Tadaa", Elliot said, almost a bit amused.

"That's perfect!"

Tyrell's excitement was unstoppable. "Look, this is exactly what I had in mind."

Maybe he is crazy after all, Elliot thought to himself. Too bad he really liked him quite a lot.

They got out of the car and walked towards the ruin: Tyrell with feathery steps, Elliot a little hesitantly. Suddenly Tyrell spun around mid-way and held out both his hands until Elliot caught up to him.

"Do you feel comfortable in that outfit?" he asked.

Elliot looked down on himself. He was still wearing his own black pants and shoes, and the plain shirt Tyrell had given him.

"It's fine", he said, "why?"

"You should put on my coat again. It looked great on you. Just wait."

He jogged back to the car and Elliot stared after him, a confused look on his face.

When he returned, he was holding the maroon colored coat, stroking the thick fabric as he put it around Elliot's shoulders.

"And now?" Still smirking, Elliot slipped into the coat.

"Now we're gonna take some pretty photos." He took his iPhone out of his pocket. "Because you look majestic in that thing."

Elliot was too puzzled to make fun of him for using the word 'majestic'.

"No way", he said. "I don't look good in photos."

"You will." Tyrell waved his hand towards the old building. "Try that piece of wall over there. Maybe lean against it."

He rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. 

Tyrell came running back to him and messed his hair a little, saying it looked better that way. Then went back and started looking through his phone camera.

"Maybe you should've brought a more professional camera", Elliot smiled.

"Nope. It's not about the camera, baby." He looked over his phone, eyebrows raised. "Are you gonna at least try to pose or is it just gonna be your natural beauty?"

Sighing, Elliot leaned back against the wall and looked into the camera, not even a hint of a smile on his face.

"Very philosophical. The big thinker. Amazing."

Elliot couldn't help but laugh. "Shut up", he said, but Tyrell had already taken multiple photos.

Skeptically, Tyrell looked at him. "What do you think about adding some color?"

***

Elliot wasn't quite sure where he had gone wrong in his life that had caused him to stand inside an old ruin, wearing a bright red shirt with no sleeves that had flowers on it - but to be honest, it was kind of fun. 

It was quite surprising that Tyrell's clothes fit him so well, considering their height difference and Elliot's lack of muscles, of which Tyrell had quite a lot. But the oversized look actually suited him well.

After a while, Elliot had stopped trying to look aesthetic and had gone over to laughing in almost every picture.

They tried one more outfit, a shirt with leopard print on it that Elliot wouldn't have worn in a thousand years, then he just sat down on the dirty floor in one of the corners and let his head sink against the wall.

Tyrell put his phone down and sat down next to him, scrolling through the pictures. 

"They're beautiful", he said.

They were indeed quite good, Elliot had to admit. Most of the time he looked done with the world and everything, but there were pictures of him laughing, smiling. The development was actually visible: At first he hated to have his photos taken, then he felt at least a little more comfortable, and finally he looked so happy, he didn't even recognize himself.

Tyrell suddenly stopped his scrolling and pointed at one photo that showed Elliot looking directly into the camera, his lips curling, eyes glowing.

I look like I'm in love, Elliot thought and he knew that Tyrell was probably thinking the same thing.

"Thank you", he said, to break the awkward silence. "I definitely needed those."

Tyrell nodded slowly. “I can send them to you later.” He paused, then suddenly burst out laughing, tossing the phone aside. His whole body was shaking from laughing so hard.

"What?" Elliot tried to figure out whether he had said something wrong, something ridiculous - or maybe it was the pictures?

"It's just-" Tyrell tried to catch his breath but failed miserably. "You've seen my dick and I don't even have your phone number."

Elliot started laughing as well, shaking his head. "I can't believed you just said that."

"Sorry". Tyrell wiped a tear from his eye. 

"Isn't that just ... normal for you?"

He looked up, his eyes widening. "Are you serious?"

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know. You're quite good at flirting."

"Well, no. It's not normal for me. Especially not the past year."

He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry", he said. 

"Don't be."

They locked eyes, staring at each other for a few moments.

"Can I kiss you?" 

Before he got an answer, Tyrell took his head in both hands and pulled him in.

"You don't have to ask."

When their lips finally touched, Elliot felt himself relax against Tyrell's body. It was weirdly comfortable on this dusty, hard floor in these clothes he never would've picked out himself.

Later they went back outside again and sat in the grass by the ruin. At some point it got quite cold so they had tried to make a camping fire, but none of them really knew what kind of wood to use, so it didn't burn properly.

They weren't talking much, just sitting and enjoying the silence.

"This would be better with marshmallows", Elliot commented.

"Sadly I don't have those with me. But we have to leave soon anyways."

Right. The party thing at Irving's.

"We could just not go."

Elliot turned his head. "You'd do that?"

He shrugged. "Whatever makes you happy."

"But what makes YOU happy?"

"Spending time with you."

For the first time since they had sat on the tracks, Elliot realized that perhaps Tyrell was just as lonely as he was. Maybe this was his way of coping with things, to make someone else feel good about themselves.

He reached out and took his hand again. "It's okay. We have time."

Something inside of him already knew this wasn't the truth, but sometimes pretending was so much easier; so much easier to keep painting the cloudy sky over with blue until there was no more white to be seen, until for once there was nothing to worry about.

***

They ended up going to Irving's party, and the second Elliot stepped out of the car he wished they hadn't. There were dozens of people standing outside the "Red Wheelbarrow" already, and it was way too noisy.

"We can just... stay for an hour or something", Tyrell said quickly, one arm around Elliot's shoulder. He swallowed hard, then nodded.

"Yeah, it's fine."

He knew he wasn't only doing this because Tyrell wanted him too. It would most certainly be fun, and he knew that, either way it was better than being alone with his thoughts.

"It's just the getting inside that scares me so much, ya know."

If only he had not said that: Tyrell shrugged and swung Elliot's arm around his neck as if Elliot needed support while walking. 

"Guess I'll help you with that part", he said, sweeping Elliot off his feet and carrying him towards the entrance.

"Tyrell, no!" He clenched his fingers around Tyrell's collar. "There's people watching, jeez..."

But Tyrell just walked inside the restaurant, and didn't even seem like be was carrying anything heavy. Elliot buried his face on Tyrell's shoulder, hoping people would somehow assume he was unable to walk and forgot his wheelchair at home or something.

Because that was totally a thing that happened to people all the time. Maybe.

Tyrell made his way through the crowd and then put Elliot back to his feet once they were inside the restaurant.

Elliot smacked the back of his head. "You're unbelievable", he said, trying to suppress his laughter. Once he had recovered from the shock, he let his eyes wander around the restaurant.

The whole room was lit up in neon, the lighting making it seem more like a disco than anything else. For some reason the tables were rearranged to make room for a little stage-like spot in the middle. Elliot had no idea what that was supposed to be for, but it looked like there was gonna be live music.  
Speaking of music, thankfully it wasn't as loud as Elliot had anticipated - he had a huge problem with loud noise. Right now it was barely audible, just playing quietly over speakers in the background.

"Does he do this regularly?" Elliot asked.

"Those parties? Yeah, he does. But I have no idea either what that thing in the middle is supposed to be for." He shrugged.

Elliot tried to find his sister and Trentonin the crowd but didn't see them anywhere. Hopefully they'll arrive soon, Elliot thought.

"Some of them are still staring at us." He buried his head on Tyrell's shoulder again. 

"Let them." He took Elliot's hand and walked towards the center of the room, squeezing his hand. "Come on, I think I see your sister."

Those words gave Elliot a new boost of energy. Once they had pushed aside a few people - well, Tyrell pushed them aside and Elliot instantly yelled an apology in their direction - Elliot could see Darlene and Trenton by the bar.

Of course, where else would Darlene be.

She waved at them and quickly hugged Elliot, before she introduced Tyrell to Trenton.

“That's a cool name”, Tyrell exclaimed.  
“Thanks. Well, it's not my real name. It just sounds way better.” She smiled, nervously playing with the seam of her headscarf.

"I can't believe you made my brother go to a party", Darlene said to Tyrell. "I'm pretty sure he's never been to one in his life."

Looks like today is embarrass-Elliot-day, Elliot thought and shot her a warning gaze. There was no need to let Tyrell know just how boring he was. It's not like he had told Trenton stuff about her when they first met. Like how Darlene once had sex with a cop to get away with speeding without a penalty. Pfff.

"Well, parties are overrated anyways", Tyrell barged in to protect him. "But Irving knows how to make it a good time."

"Where even is he?" Elliot asked.

"No idea. Somewhere in there, talking to people."

Elliot had no idea why but all the people around him suddenly seemed a thousand times hotter than when he saw random men and women in the street. Not that he was interested in anyone, it just made him feel a bit weird and insecure. He was still wearing Tyrell's leopard shirt, which was more extravagance than he EVER showed with his fashion choices. But everyone around them was just kind of... shining.

He wondered what Tyrell must be thinking, in a place like this with so many pretty people surrounding them... and his date was someone like Elliot.

Trying to chase those thoughts away, he turned towards the bar. "I'm gonna order drinks", he said.

"I'll take an appletini", Tyrell said.

"You'll take a what now?"

"Appletini. It's really good, you should try it."

"That... that sounds disgusting."

Elliot looked over at Darlene who was chuckling suspiciously. "I'm good."

"I'll just take a coke", Trenton said.

"Appletini." Shaking his head Elliot went towards the bartender to order. He needed another second to practice his order in his head - an annoying habit he couldn't get rid of. Ordering just made him so nervous.

"Not only does it sound ridiculous, it also looks ridiculous", he said when he returned with the drinks.

"Just leave me and my appletini alone", Tyrell said, pretending to be upset.

"You guys, I think I figured out what this is." Darlene pointed at the weird platform in the middle. "I think it's for karaoke."

Well that's gonna be fun, Elliot thought. Other people embarrassing themselves more than me.

"No, really?" Tyrell looked around and up at the ceiling. There really was some weird white screen that looked like it might be good to display lyrics on.

"Yeah, that sounds like an idea Irving might have", he added.

"Well, it's too late to run away now." Trenton pointed towards the window. "They already said on the radio earlier that there's a storm coming up."

She was right, within only a few minutes the sky had turned completely dark. 

"Well", Tyrell shrugged and took a sip of his funny drink. "Guess we'll have to stay here and listen to people make a fool of themselves."

It took a while until Irving finally appeared and greeted everyone, telling them food and drinks could be ordered at the bar and all that stuff. 

Then he announced that there would be some karaoke later, and anyone who wanted to could just pick something from a list of songs he had by the bar. 

A lot of guests were yelling and wohoo-ing in excitement. Elliot rolled his eyes. Nothing in the world could've made him climb on that stage, but to each their own, right?

Apparently some people had their problems with the word “later”, cause as soon as Irving was done talking, they ran towards the list on the side of the room, trying to be the first to start singing.

“Some patience guys”, Irving said into the microphone.  
Tyrell shook his head. “What did he expect?”, he said, laughing.

“I don't understand people”, Elliot yelled over the opening of some basic pop song. He smiled as two obviously drunk girls entered the “stage” and started singing. To his surprise they weren't even that out of tune, and what they lacked in vocal strength, they made up for by dancing like two rising stars at the sky of the music industry. 

After their performance it didn't really get better, but Elliot and Tyrell had fun watching strangers having a good time up there.

“It's only a matter of time until Darlene does it”, Elliot said to Tyrell.  
“You sure?”  
“Yup. I've known her for a while, remember?”

“I'm gonna do it!” Darlene yelled behind them, obviously talking to Trenton. “I'm gonna sing you a song, babe!”  
She confidently walked towards the microphone, picked it up and announced: “This is for my beautiful girlfriend, because this is her favorite song. I love you, babe.” As everyone in the crowd turned towards Trenton, Darlene blew a kiss in her direction.

Trenton buried her face in her hands, but Elliot could tell that she was also very proud to get such a speech from her girlfriend. Not that public display of affection was something Darlene rarely did, though.

At first Elliot didn't recognize the song, but after a while, it clicked. It was “Somebody to love” by Queen. He turned to Tyrell, who seemed really excited.

“Great taste, Trenton! I like you already.”

“Aw, I like you too”, she said, still choking on emotion from Darlene's little speech. 

Elliot couldn't help but laugh. Luckily Darlene had a really good singing voice, so he didn't have to feel embarrassed for her. To be honest, he was almost a bit proud of his little sister - although he would never let it show. Still watching her performance, Tyrell wrapped his arms around him, putting his head on Elliot's shoulder.

“You look even cuter when you're happy”, he said into his ear.

“Don't make me blush.”

“Wasn't my intention. But you just are.”

“Well, you're the most handsome guy here anyways”, Elliot murmured back, and of course started blushing right away.

“Wait a second. You're gonna have to repeat that, Tea Party, I didn't quite catch that.”

“Oh yes, you heard me.”

“No, I don't think I did.” Although he couldn't see his face, Elliot could hear the smile in his voice.

“You're the most handsome guy here. And now you ruined it.”

“Too bad.” His chest was shaking from his laughter.

A few moments later, Darlene finished her song and walked back towards them, not even paying attention to the people who applauded her.

“Baby, I knew if I said this on stage, you would've hated me forever.” She waited until everybody focused on the next person on stage, so no one was paying attention to her anymore. Then she took Trenton's hand and went down on one knee in front of her.

Elliot squeezed Tyrell's arm when he realized what was happening.

“I can't imagine a life without you anymore, Shama. You accept my most unacceptable habits, you love me even when I don't love myself. You're the most caring and kindest person I've ever met. Do you wanna be my wife?”

Trenton started tearing up immediately, one hand still in front of her face.  
She pulled Darlene back up and put her arms around her. Tyrell and Elliot couldn't make out what she said, but it was quite obvious.  
“This is so cute”, Tyrell said quietly.  
“Yeah they're adorable.”

But one thing Elliot knew for sure: If he ever proposed to anyone, which he probably wouldn't, he'd want it to be just the two of them. At least Darlene didn't do it in front of everyone, but still.  
Tyrell seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“Let's give them some privacy.” He led Elliot a few steps away from the newly engaged couple. “Do you wanna dance?”

There was a middle-aged man on stage now, singing a slow, romantic song and a few people had already started dancing.  
Elliot nodded and he put one arm around his waist, one hand close to his cheek. As the song was speeding up, the singers' voice started slurring a little, but it was still full of emotion.

“For all the love that's torn us / for us / all the pain so sweet / say you won't, say you won't leave/ my love.”

Elliot closed his eyes on Tyrell's chest, swaying with him, blocking out all the other people around them.

Once the song ended, he was almost sad that he had to wake up from his trance-like state. They went over to Darlene and Trenton to congratulate them, then watched the rest of the performance from a corner aside the dancing crowd. For Elliot, it was the exact right mix of being alone and being in the middle of the whole event.

Around midnight Irving ended his party for everyone, but let Darlene, Trenton, Tyrell and Elliot know that they could stay if they wanted to. 

Darlene and Trenton were standing at the bar laughing about something only they understood, looking as enamored as ever. Elliot smiled as he looked towards them, he kind of wanted to get in on the joke. But just seeing his sister so happy made him feel warm inside. 

Sometimes he wondered how Trenton was still in love with her after all she knew about Darlene's past. It was the same kind of confusion he felt when he wondered why Tyrell was spending time with him.  
The only difference was that Tyrell had been by his side for two days and Trenton and Darlene had been dating for around five years.

But Darlene deserved it. She deserved her happiness so much. And if she did, maybe so did he?

He didn't even want to get up anymore. They had found the one comfortable piece of furniture that had survived Irving's plan of turning his restaurant into a disco: A small sofa with cushions so soft, he felt like he might just fall asleep. But something was keeping him from getting too lost in his own thoughts: Tyrell next to him was quite drunk.

Not in an annoying way, he just was. His head was resting in Elliot's lap, his eyes closed, but Elliot knew he wasn't sleeping either. To be quite honest with himself, he didn't understand what had happened in the past two days. It felt surreal, almost scary, as if it wasn't going to last anyways.

He had no idea how he was going to continue with his life, and how Tyrell was supposed to fit in there.  
Technically there was a lot of room for him - his life had been extremely empty until a few days ago. And now...

Would it stay this way? Was he really able to change that fast?

He ran his fingers through Tyrell's hair, softly, not as passionately as the day before. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled up at him.

I don't understand how I deserve this, Elliot thought. Someone this kind, someone this beautiful, someone this authentic.

"You look like you wanna say something", Tyrell said quietly, barely moving his lips. He sounded sleepy, like talking was exhausting him.

"I can't put it into words", Elliot answered in all honesty.

"Try it, Tea Party. We both know you can't talk properly." His lips curled upwards.

"I like you. A lot."

His smile got wider. "But no homo, right?"

Elliot sighed. "I take it back. You don't deserve to hear what I just said."

"Tragic."

He closed his eyes again, still smiling.

Elliot gathered all his courage and cleared his throat. "What I was thinking was... I wonder how someone you just met can feel so much like home. I wonder how someone you barely know can find his way into your heart so easily when most others don't even try to figure out who I am. And somehow you just know. How do you just know? What if this isn't even real? What if I wake up tomorrow and this was all a dream? What if it never gets as good as it is right now ever again. What then? How do I live with losing something like this?"

His voice had gotten a little too loud towards the end and Elliot was glad that none of the other guests were sober enough to listen to him.

"Well, as far as I can tell, I'm pretty real." He smiled, but he looked a bit concerned. Elliot really hadn't wanted to scare him, he just wanted to speak his mind.

“It'll be okay, Elliot. Relax. Take a deep breath. You don't have to be so scared of losing things all the time, okay?”  
Elliot nodded, still feeling a bit uneasy.

Nervously he looked at the window, and watched the storm still going on outside, growing stronger and stronger. He was too anxious to even ask Tyrell about what they were gonna do now, and where they were gonna spend the night.

"There's no way you guys are going out there like this", Irving said in a determined voice, interrupting Darlene's and Trenton's giggling.

"So what do you want us to do?" Darlene asked.

"Well, I can sleep on the sofa. And I do have one bedroom up here."

He pointed towards the door behind which Elliot had found the shower on the day before. "But it's only one really big bed, so either you all have to cuddle, or someone sleeps on the floor."

About half an hour later, Elliot was lying in between Tyrell and Darlene, unable to move a single inch. It was a bit uncomfortable, but better than sleeping on the floor or walking through the storm, in his opinion.

Thank God he was very tired, so it didn't take him long to fall asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, he felt a bit clearer and less confused about everything. He turned his head and rolled over to his side, almost pushing Darlene and Trenton off the bed.

"Tyrell?" he whispered.

Without opening his eyes, Tyrell rolled over as well, facing Elliot.

"Tea Party?"

"I know what I gotta do now."

His eyes opened. "Yes?"

"I should go home. Sort some things out. Just for a few days."

He didn't show any visible reaction.

"Okay. Would you... still like to see me again?"

He said it like it was a joke, but deep down Elliot knew he was scared of the answer.

Elliot reached under the blanket, and took his hand, warm and soft as always. Figuring things out by himself for a while was completely necessary, but it was hard to let go of something that was still so delicate.

"I'd like that very much", he said. "I think we might need a little more than the twenty-four hours I promised you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!! In case anyone is curious, those are the pictures that gave me inspiration for the photo shoot. I'm to stupid to post them on here so just follow the link: https://jocalvins.tumblr.com/post/186501684931 (damn I hope this works) !!!!
> 
> Hey guys. It's been a while. This chapter took me so much time and energy to write for some reason. I really hope you like it so it was worth it. My mental health is still absolute shit but I enjoy writing this story a lot and every comment means the world to me, so thank you.
> 
> Fun story: Two months ago I was at a wedding and saw my aunt and uncle dance to the song "My Love" by Zucchero and ever since I've been obsessed with it. I instantly had this image of Tyrelliot dancing to it in my head (you know, as any mentally stable person would ha ha ha) even though the lyrics don't really fit. So here's the result of that.
> 
> Take care,  
> x Jo


	10. should i stay or should i go

“Please call me when you need me, okay?”

Elliot nodded quickly, as he always did when Darlene made him promise the same thing – even though he knew asking for help wasn't his strength.

“I'm serious. I'll be there, one way or another.”

“Thank you.” His hands buried in the pockets of his hoodie, he clenched the fabric between his fingers.

When he had made the decision to go back home, it had been Tyrell who first voiced his wish to go back to Sweden. But to be honest with himself, Elliot had already known that this was what he was gonna do, and he didn't wanna hold him back.

“I'll come back, okay?” Tyrell leaned in and kissed his forehead. Elliot had to fight back the lump in his throat.

“Yes”, he squeezed out.

They couldn't spend every day with each other and he was aware of it, but after spending four days together with barely any interruption, it was hard to believe that there had ever been a time where Tyrell had not been a part of his life.

“Don't”, Tyrell pulled him in for a hug. “If you cry, I cry.”

“We don't have time for that anyways. You're late for your flight.”

He tried to force a smile and Tyrell picked up his bags from the floor, shouldering them.

“You're right. But this is more painful than I thought it would be.” He smiled sadly. Of course he was still smiling.

“It's terrible. I hate goodbyes.”

That was partly the reason why he had no friends – no one to say goodbye to, no one who could leave. He averted his gaze, already tearing up again.

“Okay, I have an idea. We're gonna kiss one last time now, and you close your eyes and when you open them again, I'm gone.”

Elliot frowned. “How exactly is that supposed to make it easier?”

He shrugged. “No awkward waving. No struggling for words. No pressure to look back over my shoulder, or don't. I don't know, we want it to be over quickly, don't we?”

“That's what she said.” He smirked.

Tyrell faked a gasp. “Did you just make a terrible, inappropriate joke?”

“I guess I did.” He shook his head. “Okay, let's do it like you said.”

“Okay.” Tyrell took a deep breath. “I'll see you soon.”

“Sounds like a threat.” He looked at Tyrell one last time, trying to memorize as many details as he could, from his bright blue eyes to his always fidgeting hands, his strong arms, his fancy clothes.

“Talking of threat, by now I'm pretty sure the police isn't looking for me”, Tyrell said in a low voice.

“Just be careful”, Elliot murmured.

“I am. Fake ID, bro.”

He sighed. “Great. I feel so much less worried now.”

Before he could keep complaining, Tyrell pulled him in for another hug, his traveling bags awkwardly dangling between them.

“See you, Tea Party”, he said in Elliot's ear.

“Thank you”, Elliot whispered back, not knowing what else to say.

Their last kiss didn't last long. They didn't want to make a big scene while there were so many other passengers around, especially not Elliot, who was barely comfortable with holding hands in public.

As he had promised, Elliot kept his eyes closed when the kiss ended. It was so loud around them, that he couldn't hear Tyrell's footsteps. Still, he was convinced that he could feel the exact moment he was gone, as if his body reacted to Tyrell's absence after being with him for so long.

He started slowly counting to five in his head, and then opened his eyes, just soon enough to watch him walk about ten feet away from him, looking over his shoulder.

“You cheated”, he yelled, pointing at Elliot.  
“So did you!”

Tyrell shook his head, laughing, then turned around and disappeared around the corner. Elliot was glad that he did. He was right – the longer they procrastinated saying goodbye, the harder it got.

So he turned around and went home.

***

His apartment had been a mess when he had entered it the morning before, but there was no way he would've let Tyrell see it that way, so he cleaned up as well as he could.

Thankfully he lived in a small place. Nevertheless it was shocking how easily you could mess up an apartment if you simply didn't have the energy to do anything for a few weeks.

He sat down on his bed, catching his breath. The past few days had not only been emotionally exhausting, it was also way more movement than he had gotten in months. Burying his face in his hands, he tried to inhale and exhale steadily.

What a mess he had gotten himself into. But he knew that going home on his own had been the right choice. He needed it.

So he picked up the phone, twisting and turning the case for a few seconds, until he finally gathered the strength to call his boss. He hadn't missed a single day at work, since Friday had been a free day for him, but he had to call in sick for the day so he could take Tyrell to the airport.

It wasn't a huge problem. Despite his mental health problems, Elliot had never missed work for the entire time he had been working there.

He told them he would be back by tomorrow. To be honest, he knew that it was the best thing he could do – to return to reality.

And so he did.

Some days when he was at work, sitting in front of his computer for hours, working on some new security software, waiting to go home where he would sit in front of a computer again to distract himself from his own thoughts – he felt like maybe the weekend with Tyrell didn't even happen.

It was difficult enough to realize someone could like him when he was right next to him, but even worse when he was 4000 miles away.

He went to check his email, a task he liked – no direct social interaction needed, and he could hide behind his virtual self. However, this time there was something unusual: A mail that didn't exactly look business like. It was from a certain tw1985@gmail.com that had the subject “my love for you”.

Elliot felt his cheeks getting hot and looked around the room for a few seconds until he finally opened the e-mail. Of course no one was watching his screen, but he still wanted to make sure.

“My dear Tea Party.”

He closed his eyes, his lips curling upwards. Of course it was him, who else would send him such an email.

“I hope work is as fun as work can be and you're not as miserable as I am because I miss you so much.

Shit, you're not supposed to know that, right? Makes me seem desperate. Yeah, I'll delete that part.

I really do miss you though.

Yours,  
Tyrell.”

Elliot didn't even notice the smile, frozen on his lips, until the corners of his mouth started hurting. He quietly got up from his seat and went to the bathroom, searching for Tyrell's number in his phone. He picked up almost immediately.

“Can't believe you're distracting me from my important work”, he said, still smiling.

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” Hearing his voice brought the warm feeling back to his chest, spreading in his stomach like drops of sunshine. “How are you doing?”

“We literally texted this morning.” As he talked, Elliot watched his own face in the bathroom mirror, fascinated by the way his eyes lit up. “But I missed you too.”

“Oh I bet you did.”

“How did you even get my work email address?”

“Oh, that's not hard. Just a quick google search. If you're skilled like me...”

He sighed. “Right.”

“I gotta go back. Just wanted to hear your voice.”

“I'll talk to you tonight. Bye, my love.”

“Yes. I'm looking forward to it.”

He hung up the phone, smiling at the mirror one last time, then turned around to go back to work.

“Smiling, Elliot?” His co-worker Janice said and looked up from her computer as he walked past her. “It's good to see you so happy.”

People not minding their own business – Elliot's favorite.

Not.

“Thanks, Janice”, he said quickly.

Happy? He wasn't happy. But he had a phone call to look forward to, and an adorable email in his mailbox.

For now that was more than enough reason to smile.


	11. fix you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight trigger warning for child abuse, PTSD, scars, drug abuse, depression.
> 
> If you wanna avoid that, skip everything before the "***"
> 
> Stay safe!

About a week later, he was back at rock bottom. Literally.

He sat on the floor of his bedroom, knees raised to his chest, hugging himself. His shaky fingers were tracing his arms, feeling each of the burn marks as he went over his skin.

It was something he still don't know how to handle, something he didn't know how to prevent. A random trigger out of nowhere, and the images were there again. The voice was there again. It was as if his body was reliving it. How was it possible to remember something so vividly, something that happened a long time ago?

No, he wasn't gonna give up. He wasn't gonna attempt suicide again. This was his personal battle, even though it almost felt ridiculous that he had to fight it... It made him think of a bee who kept flying against the glass of a window, unable to see that it couldn't get through it.

Elliot felt just like that, like he was supposed to have it figured out by now - but he hadn't. He didn't know how to. And maybe he WAS too weak or too small.

But his childhood abuse and the death of his father were Elliot's own personal glass windows, and it didn't matter how much time had passed. He would just keep flying against it until someday he would break the glass.

Not today, though. Instead he did morphine. A lot.

With every line he snorted, his body forgot about the feeling of cigarettes on his skin, his brain forgot about the rose soaring down in his dad's grave.

Unfortunately he also forgot about the man with the restless hands and the hundred different ways to smile.

Darlene came over once to check up on him. He had sent her a chicken emoji one night when he didn't know how else to get through it, and of course she didn't see it until the next morning.

Of course he regretted it the second he woke up on his bedroom floor, every limb and every muscle hurting.

The second the doorbell rang, he knew it was her. He quickly put some books on the coffee table so she wouldn't see the kind of stuff he did on there. 

"You're doing worse again, aren't you?" she said.

Well, now there was no point in lying to her, so he didn't.

"I guess so."

"You should call him, Elliot. You know he'd come back."

I don't want him to, Elliot thought. I want him to, I want him more than anything. But I don't want him to feel like he has to fix me. I don't want him to think that this is what our relationship would consist of.

"He has stuff to take care of", Elliot replied quietly.

But the loneliness was crushing him, squeezing another drop of life out of him every time he thought about the things Tyrell might be doing in Sweden. There was no reason for him to believe Tyrell didn't have better opportunities over there.

Darlene looked around the room worriedly and hugged him.

"You don't wanna talk?" She asked.

"That's what we said the chicken means", Elliot replied dryly. “No talking.”

He wished she would stop hugging him and leave. There was nothing she could do anyways.

It didn't matter how much he knew she loved him. At the end of the day she returned home to her fiancee and their dog and their house, and he had nothing.

Except for a person who was thousands of miles away, doing god know what, and even if he were to meet someone else, Elliot couldn't even be mad at him - because they had never specified that they were boyfriends. They were nothing.

He was acting like a jerk and he knew it, but whatever.

"Maybe you should see Krista", she said carefully.

"I have an appointment later anyways." He moved the muscles in his face to a smile. It felt unnatural, almost like a form of exercise.

"Do you want me to get anything for you?"

"No, thank you."

She sighed and nodded, her eyes still scanning every part of the room. 

He hated that. She needed to leave.

But he also didn't want her to.

“I love you”, she said.  
“I love you, too”, he repeated. It felt like it was only a response, instead of a statement of its own.

“We should watch movies some time this week. That always cheers you up, doesn't it?”  
“Yeah, yeah that sounds great.”  
When she left he stayed at the window, watching her walk to the subway, a kind of heaviness in his stomach that couldn't be named.

***  
The weeks passed by. Him and Tyrell were texting basically the whole time, and skyping every night. Elliot never asked him how long he intended to stay in Sweden – he wasn't ready to deal with the answer. 

Elliot knew he had to learn how to live without him first. Living with him was easy. Living with him was like a special edition of life he might as well have created in his head. He didn't know if it was real or if this life, the miserable loneliness he had known all this time, was reality. And if they both were, how was a person supposed to survive switching between the two extremes?

He didn’t know.

"How's my favorite American doing?" Tyrell asked him one night, noticing how quiet Elliot had gotten.  
"Could be better", Elliot answered honestly. "I miss... our weekend."

The blurred video version of Tyrell smiled. "I miss our weekend too."

"What else have you been doing over there?"

"Well, I met up with some old friends. I had paperwork to do. Lots of paperwork." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Good news, no one figured out what I did."

Elliot shook his head in disbelief, a smile on his lips. He gathered all his courage, and then decided he just had to ask.

"So..." He paused for a second, rethinking how he would phrase his next sentence. "Are you gonna get a new place to live now?"

Pathetic how his heart started beating so quickly all of a sudden. He wasn't supposed to be so scared of the answer. Of course his weekend flirt wasn't gonna move across the Atlantic just because of him. Right?

"I’m done here." Tyrell's voice was firm and didn't leave any doubt. "I wanna see some places before I settle somewhere again. I can’t stay in one place for too long anymore."

Ouch. The feeling in Elliots stomach was back. The cold, sinking sensation you got when your last bit of hope was torn into pieces.

"Oh, okay." He tried to sound happy. "Sounds like that's gonna be fun."

Tyrell nodded slowly. He kept pulling and scratching his fingers, his eyes focused on his own hands.

"That's what I want, Elliot. But you have to make compromises sometimes. I'm just not really used to those anymore."

Elliot frowned. "What?"

"The truth is, I wanna see you again as soon as possible. I don't even care where. If you'd want me to come back, I would. If you don't wanna see me again, then we probably should stop talking, cause I can never be just online friends with you. I wanna be with you, no matter where."

Elliot felt his lips curling upwards. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, did you just say you wanna be with me, no matter where?"

Tyrell cocked an eyebrow. "Didn't I literally just ….?"

"You did. I just wanted to hear it again."

The whole room suddenly looked so much brighter. It was the best feeling in the world.

"Yes, I wanna be with you."

Elliot covered his mouth with his hand to hide his happy smile. Tyrell had finally averted his gaze from his hands, smiling at him.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Elliot said in a serious voice.

"We should meet somewhere in the middle. Well, the middle would be... a lot of water. But we could travel together."

"How's that supposed to work out?"

Tyrell sighed. "I don't know, okay. But remember when we said we wanted to go somewhere without other people?"

It seemed like a thousand years ago.

"Yes. But I can't just quit my job, Tyrell. And you -"

"You don't have to, or course. We'll figure something else out."

"I have a vacation next month. Do you think that would work?"

He smiled. "I'm sure it would."

"I'll look how much money I have saved."

He knew it wasn't much, and Tyrell probably knew it too.

“If you could come here, that’d be all you have to worry about.”

A bit amused, Elliot put his head in his hands. “You talk about it like you live down the street and not on a completely different continent. And I wouldn’t want you spending so much money.”

Tyrell shrugged. “You know money means nothing to me.”

Elliot didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded.

„I can't wait”, he said after a while, and it was the truth.

Tyrell's face turned soft. „Me neither.“

Once their call ended, Elliot felt like a burst of energy was rushing through him. Secretly he had been waiting for Tyrell to tell him he wasn't coming back, and they should stop talking. And now... 

Inspired by his random mood switch, Elliot picked up his phone, calling Darlene.

„Elliot? What's wrong?“

She sounded worried. Well, he could've seen that coming.

„He wants to be with me, no matter where“, Elliot said.

„Oh my god, Elliot, I thought something bad happened.“

„No! Darlene, he likes me!“

She laughed. „I think he really does. What a weirdo.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!
> 
> leave a comment to give feedback or tell me if you have a suggestion for the story :D
> 
> x Jo


	12. joanna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is written from Tyrell's POV.
> 
> Trigger warning for death, cemetery, loss of a loved one, grief.
> 
> (After this I'm back with the tyrelliot fluff, i promise)

He got off the plane late at night, but the second he left the airport and saw the lights of his city appear, his whole body sighed in relief. This still felt like home, somehow. 

Except it wasn't. His and Joanna's house wasn't even his anymore. He had sold it, along with everything else, before he went to America. Obviously he hadn't gone back completely unprepared, though. For now he would stay with an old friend, until he figured out what the next step would be.

The time he had spent in the US had changed him. All his life had been like a checklist, well structured and planned, no surprises. Things had mostly worked out the way he wanted them to, and through everything his favorite person, his everything, had been with him.

Once she was gone, nothing else mattered anymore. His career, his money, his perfect little life. He had lost everything there was to lose, and suddenly it didn't matter anymore what he did or where he went.

As he stood in front of his friend's house, that wasn't too far away from where he used to live, the memories came crashing over him like waves. This was why he left. This was his weak spot.

“Tyrell! It's so good to see you again!”  
Anwar looked older than he had when Tyrell last saw him, even though it had only been a year. His eyes were surrounded by laughter lines, and it looked like his hair line was already receding. Tyrell had sometimes envied him about his beautiful black hair. Black just like Elliot's, he thought sadly.

He went in to hug him, dropping his traveling bags to the floor. “I'm glad you let me stay here for a few days. I really appreciate it, dude.”

“Hey, no problem. Everyone would do that.” He smiled his warm smile.

“Don't say that. I'm not really talking to anyone from around here anymore.”

“Well, you did hang out with some pretty awful people.” Anwar took one of the bags to carry them inside. “Make yourself comfortable,” he yelled over his shoulder, walking towards the bedroom.

And that was exactly where the problem started. Anwar's apartment was tiny. Apart from the bedroom, kitchen and bathroom, there was only one other room where he kept all sorts of computer equipment, books, and whatever else it was that he collected.

Years ago he had often complained about that room, Tyrell remembered. He had been like: “Anwar, your place is so small. You could at least get rid of some stuff and make this room a proper living room.” But Anwar never listened, he liked his mess.

They had been friends for years. Friends with benefits for a while, sure. So he really couldn't blame Anwar for assuming they would share a bed.

Tyrell sat on the corner of the bed a bit awkwardly, then got back up and pulled out the chair by the desk, facing Anwar who had also let himself fall to the mattress, sighing out loud.

“What are you doing man, get over here.”

“I wanna look around a bit. You changed the pictures in here, right?”

Anwar chuckled. “Yeah, I discovered this new artist from around here, he's quite good. But other than that...” He shrugged. “I didn't change much.”

Tyrell didn't know what he had expected. He wasn't even sure if the fact that everything was the same freaked him out or gave him comfort. Anwars face seemed to be the only indicator of the time that had passed./p>

“Do you want a drink?”  
I might need one, Tyrell thought.

“Just water, thank you.”

“Water is also a drink, you know.” Anwar got up and went to the kitchen to get two glasses.

While he was gone, Tyrell stared at one of the photos on his wall. It showed Anwar, him and Joanna in front of an empty stage, Joanna's mouth opened in a round shape because she was so excited. That was back when they saw U2 together, a lifetime ago.

No. Three years ago. Same thing.

Anwar walked back in with some water for Tyrell. As he saw him standing in front of the picture, he paused.

“I can take it down if it makes you sad”, he said.

“It doesn't. It's a beautiful photo.” He took a sip of water, then turned his back on the photo. Anwar looked at him expectantly but Tyrell said nothing, creating an awkward silence.

“I understand that you are hurt, you want everyone who was involved with the guy to pay, but honestly...” Anwar lowered his voice, as if the FBI might be hiding in his closet. “Honestly I'm surprised you didn't get into trouble for what you did, Ty.”

“Well, I didn't kill anyone.” Tyrell waved his hand towards Anwar as if to get rid of a fly. “Just hacked some bank accounts. These people are too rich anyways, and if they didn't want me to, they should just get better security systems. It was way too damn easy.”

“I just don't understand. Why? And don't come at me with that Robin Hood bullshit.” His face turned soft. “I know you better than anyone else.”

Tyrell sighed and stood up from his chair, pacing around the room. He should've just booked a hotel. It would've been so easy to just do that, it wasn't like he didn't have enough money – but here he was, trying to restore a piece of normalcy. Trying to make up with the only friend he had who wasn't an asshole.

“Nothing mattered when she died”, he said quietly. “The money meant nothing. All the money in the world couldn't bring back the one thing I ever really loved.”  
Anwar stood up as well, not touching him, arms crossed.

“I wanted to do something that meant something. I thought it might make me happy to do something good.”

If success and fame hadn't been the most important thing in the world to us, she never would've fucked that guy in the first place, Tyrell thought. She didn't like him, she didn't even find him attractive. She wanted to use his power, and now look where that took us. Everything we worked for our entire lives – money, power, fame - was so pointless, so so so pointless.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked.”  


“I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have come.”

Anwar raised an eyebrow.

“Don't give me that look. We've had sex too many times, Anwar, I don't think we ever spent that much time talking, just the two of us on our own, with all our clothes on.”

It was true, sadly. As much as Tyrell liked to believe the people he had sex with during his marriage had only been people he wanted to manipulate, there had also been exceptions. And the biggest exception was standing in front of him.

Not that Joanna hadn't known about it, because she had. But now it was different.

“What's the problem with that?” That soft look still on his face, Anwar stepped closer, putting one arm around Tyrell's shoulder. His eyes were the color of melted chocolate, and Tyrell had lost himself in them more often than he could count.

But the guy he was thinking about now had eyes the color of the ocean, and he loved the ocean way too much.

“I met someone. Over there.” He bopped his head, as if America was only a few blocks away.

He snorted. “You meet people all the time. That's kind of uhh... in your nature.”

“He's different.” Tyrell sighed. It was frustrating, but he didn't know how to phrase it. “I wanna be with him. Like really. I don't care if I have to move to America or Australia or to the moon, it doesn't matter. And if he isn't into that whole open-relationship-thing, I don't need that either. I'm not gonna screw this up, Anwar, for the first time I have something to lose again. And I can't lose him. I love him.”

Nodding slowly, Anwar took a step back. “So if you love him... then why are you here?”

Tyrell sat down on the bed, massaging his temple. “I don't know. He said he needed some time to figure things out and I wanted to give him time. I wanted to come back here one last time, to say goodbye, I guess. I think maybe I wanted to see you one last time. Maybe I'm not ready to fully commit to this because we haven't known each other for that long.”

There was another reason, but there was no way in the world he would tell Anwar about that one.

“So how long have you been dating?”  
“Well.” He paused. “We're like... not dating.”

“Wow, okay. And when did you meet him?”

This guy really didn't know when to stop asking.

Tyrell sighed. “Last Friday.”

A grin spread across Anwar's face. “Tyrell Wellick, you are still the exact same guy you were a year ago.”

“I'll take that as a compliment.” He laughed nervously. “So you're okay with that?”

“Of course. Whatever makes you feel good again, dude. Between us there was never more than sex anyways, let's be real. Friends with benefits if you want. And now we'll be friends without benefits. I'm just so glad you're doing better.”

“I am.” He started fumbling with the seam of his shirt, rubbing it in between his fingers. “I wanna give him some space, but I also wanna see him again as soon as I possibly can.”

Anwar playfully hit his arm. “Stay here as long as you want to, dude. But if he really makes you that happy, you shouldn't let him go.

***

During the following weeks, Tyrell took care of stuff he had been putting off for months, not wanting to deal with it. He checked his and Joanna’s bank account and took some of the money they had been saving. While he had donated most of the money he got for the house to charity, he hadn’t touched this account. 

The money was supposed to be for their child, and spending it in any way still felt wrong, even though he knew his child would never benefit from it, as it was never even gonna be born.  


Well, now it was time to face reality.

It was hard not to think about it in this familiar environment, but the little time he didn’t spend thinking about Joanna was entirely absorbed by someone else.  
Elliot.

He had been with multiple people over the years, but this was different. It would've been easy to just get that stranger away from the tracks, call 911 or even just let him lay there.

But there was something about him that caught him immediately, and it wasn't the typical hookup. It was the first person since Joanna who made him feel something. Just because he was so honest, so much himself.

Tyrell knew where he had to go.

The first morning of his third week back in Sweden, he asked Anwar if he could borrow his car. He had been driving it a lot, as Anwar didn't need it a lot of the time, and Tyrell just wanted to drive around his old hometown for a while. 

Driving calmed him down like nothing else.

He wasn't sure what he was doing, or why he felt like he needed this, but he couldn't go away from here without going to the cemetery at least one last time.

It wasn't a very big one, mainly because the town was quite small. Even though it had been months, he still found the way to Joanna's grave without wandering around for too long.

He didn't look at any of the other graves, keeping his eyes on the floor.

His father was buried here somewhere, just like his mother, but he didn't have any intention to search for them. That was the biggest "fuck you" he could imagine - your own son not even thinking about you when you were gone.

His feet knew where to lead him, but the second he stood in front of her grave they denied him their service. He sank down into the grass, crossing his legs to stop them from shaking.

"Hej, elskede", he said quietly. It was still early, no one would hear him.

The grave stone was plain grey, only one single rose engraved into the stone right above her name. No one except Tyrell knew there was another person down in that grave, someone who didn't even have a name yet.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here in so long. But you know me. You know I think of you all the time, no matter where I am."

Joanna would've laughed at him for talking to her in Danish. She had always said that his Danish wasn't very good, but she loved how he kept trying. It didn't stop her from making fun of it whenever he mixed up his words, though.

"I met someone. You probably already know, but yeah, I met someone when I was in America. He's called Elliot."

His hands kept playing with the grass he was sitting on, nervous for a reaction he knew wasn't coming.

"He's the best guy I ever met. You'd love him, I think. I just wanted you to know because ... we always had sex with other people while we were married, and I know you don't care about that now either. But it's more than that. I think I might actually love someone again, and I never thought I would have to. I'm gonna try to move on because he deserves someone to love him with all of his heart and not just a part of it. I wanna do this right."

He looked up at the sky, gray and cloudy as it was, and then got up.

"I love you. I hope you understand."

His vision was blurry from the tears. He reached into his chest pocket and pulled out a pair of earrings that he had taken from their house, over a year ago. They had accompanied him this whole time ... Joanna's favorite piece of jewelry.

The earrings were quite cheap, but she had loved them more than anything, back when they had just started dating. It was the first present Tyrell ever made her, and it remained her favorite until she died.

"I brought you something. I thought maybe you'd want them back. You used to say they remind you of my love for you and I hope they still do.”

He placed them behind the grave stone, burying them in the soil so no one would take them away.

“Farvel, elskede”, he said.

As he walked back to his car, his eyes still focused on the ground, he almost felt deliberated. He wasn't gonna run away anymore, now it was time to move on - and those were two very different things, he realized.

He had needed this - just one last time to say goodbye to an entire life he could've had, that never happened. Maybe it did happen in some parallel universe.

Right now it felt light years away.


	13. blood and bones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning yeehaw

One night Elliot got home from work, totally exhausted.

Work hadn't been too bad lately. Actually work was one of the few things that were easy for him, even in rough times. He liked his job and he was good at it. Sadly, every day at the office came with human interaction and today it had just been a bit much of that.

After Darlene and Trenton had been pressuring him for months, he started taking his medication again and saw his therapist. Most of the time he wasn't honest with her, but sometimes it was good to have someone to go to, someone who got paid to listen to his thoughts. It made him feel like less of a burden.

It had been one month since the morning that was supposed to be his last. Twenty-five days since he touched Tyrell for the last time.

When he arrived back at his apartment that day, he just wanted to relax, but he knew he wouldn't be able to when his mind was in this state. He opened the door and dropped his backpack to the floor, then sat down on the couch, checking his phone. The only text he had was from Tyrell, asking when he would be home – probably to schedule their Skype call. His mood immediately lightened up.

“I'm home now”, he typed back. It took him two minutes to decide on which emoji to use, so eventually he just sent it - the daily struggles in the life of a socially awkward person.

He opened his laptop, just browsing for a while, but he was too tired to focus on anything. It'd probably be best to take some of his sleep medication and just zone out. He didn't have work tomorrow anyways, it was Friday after all.

When the doorbell rang, he almost had a heart attack. Probably Darlene again. He'd have to tell her to leave. Today really wasn't the right day to watch movies, as much as he would enjoy some company. To be honest he wasn't sure what today would be the right day for.

“Darlene, I'm sorry but I'm really exhausted”, he said into the intercom.

“Too bad. I just wanted to say hello, Tea Party”, the voice from the speaker replied.

Elliot breathed in sharply, banging on the door opener as if that would get the door to open faster. He couldn't believe it. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him once again?

But no. It was typical for Tyrell to just show up like that. Elliot hated it when people did that, but now that it was him, things looked very different.

He tore open the door and walked down the stairs, trying to remain somewhat calm. If Tyrell took the elevator, we're screwed, he thought. Then I'll be downstairs and he'll be in front of my closed door.

But he could already hear his footsteps up the stairs, and next thing he knew he had Tyrell's arms around him again, taking in the scent of his jacket.

"Oh my god I can't believe you're really here", he said, his words muffled.

"Sorry if you expected someone more exciting." Elliot could hear the smile in his voice.

“Why didn't you say anything?” he asked when they eventually let go.

“I didn't want you to worry.” 

“Worry about what?”

“Oh, you know. You always find something to worry about. That my plane might crash, that you're late to pick me up, that things between us might have changed...” He stroked Elliot's cheek. “You look great. Did you get some more sleep lately?”

Elliot tilted his head to lean into his palm. “Things haven't changed”, he said, with a little smile. “But you're right. I was a bit worried about that.”

He had indeed been sleeping better lately, thanks to his medication. But Tyrell clearly hadn't been. At the second glance, he looked just how Elliot was feeling. Exhausted, drained, maybe even a bit sad.

“I missed you so much”, Elliot said quietly.

“I missed you too. Isn't that crazy, after just a few days together?”

He nodded. As they walked up the stairs, he noticed that Tyrell only had one bag over his shoulder instead of the two he had last time. Looks like he got rid of some baggage, Elliot thought. Literally and figuratively.

“I feel like I should ask if I can stay at your place”, Tyrell said. “I mean I do know a good hotel around here -” He smirked.

“Shut up, of course you're staying here.” Elliot rolled his eyes. “What kind of person do you think I am?”

Tyrell stood behind him as he unlocked the door, leaning his head towards Elliot's ear. “My favorite kind”, he whispered.

Elliot sighed. “Getting cheesy again, huh?”

He quietly closed the door behind them and walked towards the sofa, Tyrell following him.

“Well you know where everything is, so if you need anything ...” Elliot made an awkward hand movement.

“What I need is to be cheesy for a while.” He sat down, looking at Elliot provokingly.

Elliot sat down next to him, and rested his head against the wall, still looking at Tyrell through tired eyes.  
“Okay”, he said.

“You're exhausted.”

“It's been a long day.” 

“Maybe I should give you some space”, Tyrell said worriedly.

Instead of a response, Elliot slowly inched forward and reached for his face.

“I want you to stay”, he said. "Remember that last kiss at the airport?"

Tyrell nodded slowly, his eyes moving up and down Elliot's face.

"Close your eyes", he said.

A smile on his face, Elliot closed his eyes. He felt Tyrell's breath on his face, and only moments later his lips were finally back on his.

The air between them was electrified. He pulled away for a moment, his eyes moving up and down Tyrell's face, before he kissed him back. Tyrell made a sound that was somewhere in between a sigh and a moan. His hands reached out for him, first grabbing his hair, then his neck and wandering down his back.

They stayed in this position for a while – just making out, making up for lost time, unable to let go of each other.

Eventually Elliot rested his head on Tyrell's shoulder and took his hand.

“I'm sorry, I'm just really done. But I'm so happy we can do this again.” He smirked.

“Me too. You know what? I have an idea.” Tyrell got up, signifying Elliot that he could stay where he was. Elliot groaned. “Come back”, he complained, missing Tyrell's body warmth.

“Just wait there!”

He disappeared into the bathroom. An amused look on his face, Elliot crossed his arms in front of his chest.

A few seconds later, he heard the sound of water running and a smile spread across his face. This was too perfect.

“I haven't used that bathtub since I moved in”, he yelled in Tyrell's direction.

“Well, it's about time!” His face appeared in the door. He had taken off his jacket and was now only wearing the blue shirt Elliot had worn during the first day they spent together.  
Seeing him wear it felt weirdly intimate. Elliot got up and walked towards him, putting his arms around him again.

“I'm so glad you're back. I can't believe you didn't say anything.”

“Well, I'm here now. And I'm gonna stay as long as you want me to.”

“That's good.” He buried his face on Tyrell's shoulder. He always smelt like a mixture of leather, aftershave and the air after it had been raining. Just by breathing in his scent, he already felt a lot calmer.

A bit later Tyrell was hunched over the bathtub, checking the temperature. “It's nice and warm now.”

Elliot was already feeling awkward again. He couldn't wait to be immersed in the warm water, but he was uncomfortable at the thought that once again, Tyrell had to take care of him even though he looked exhausted as well.

He bent down and hugged Tyrell from behind, their faces touching. “Are you gonna join me?”

“That's the plan.”

His stomach fluttered in excitement. Slowly pulling off his hoodie, Elliot stepped away from the bathtub. Once both the hoodie and his shirt were lying on the floor, he just stood there awkwardly for a second, his heart racing in his chest.

It was pathetic, as if he had never been naked in front of Tyrell before. For once, taking off the hoodie felt good though, almost like he was shaking off the day.

Tyrell turned around and looked him in the eye, asking an unspoken question. As he nodded in response, Tyrell let his hands wander to Elliot's belt, loosening the buckle. His eyes were still on Elliot's, as he slowly undressed him.

When he was only wearing his boxers, Elliot reached for Tyrell's shirt, unbuttoning it as well. As he uncovered more and more of his tattoos, he traced them with his fingers. He couldn't help but wonder if any of them were dedicated to his wife... or other people he might have met since then. No, stop it. Why was this thought coming to him right now?

“Still obsessed with the tattoos, huh?”  
“It's just kinda fascinating.”

He chuckled and slid the shirt off his shoulders, while Elliot was already nestling with his belt. Once his pants were hanging around his ankles, Tyrell stepped out of them, almost ready to get into the tub. In a sudden moment of confidence, Elliot held him back and put his hand on his chest.

One eyebrow raised, he looked at Elliot.

“Wait. Stay there.”

Before Tyrell could answer, Elliot knelt down, looking up at Tyrell with a smirk on his lips. He reached out his hands to slide his boxers off his hips, then started stroking over his cock, making it seem incidentally. The reaction he got was the one he had hoped for.

"Elliot what - oh FUCK."

A moan escaped his lips, as Elliot sped up his movements.

He looked at Tyrell, who had his palms pressed against the wall behind them, his eyes focused on Elliot, pupils blown wide.

Visibly proud of himself, Elliot tilted his head. “Consider this your 'welcome home' present”, he said with a smirk, before he leaned in and slowly started licking up his shaft.

“Fuck.” His head fell back, eyes closed. “Fuck, Elliot...”

Tyrell's hands reached out for Elliot's hair, gripping it tightly. Goosebumps spread over Elliot's heated skin immediately, but he shook his head, grabbing Tyrell's wrists and guiding them back to the wall.

Elliot had always cursed the fact that his bathroom was so big - it was space he didn't need. But not the size was coming in quite handy - he was too impatient to move to the bedroom right now.

Gently tracing up his arms, Elliot finally reached his shoulders and placed a kiss on Tyrell's lips. Tyrell desperately leaned into the kiss, but kept his hands where Elliot had told him to. He was so horny already, it made Elliot feel very pleased with himself.

“I missed you and your body so much”, he whispered against Tyrell's lips.

“Video chats don't do it, huh?”, Tyrell said breathlessly.

“Well, I don't think a video chat Elliot could do this.” He moved his lips to his neck, sucking on the soft skin. He fully intended on leaving some bite marks. Elliot wanted the world to know that this man was his, and he wouldn't let anyone take him away from him.

Tyrell was shivering under his touch. He looked adorable in this state that Elliot had put him in. Luckily there was a wall behind him - he was already melting under Elliot's touch, his knees barely supporting his weight.

Elliot traced back down his body both with his fingers and his lips, his fingertips and nails lightly touching his skin, making Tyrell squirm a little.

He smiled as he watched Tyrell's reaction, then decided it was time to drive him even more crazy. One hand still stroking his stomach and chest, the other gripping his sides, he started sucking on his hip bones, slowly getting closer to his crotch again.

“Fuck, Elliot, please”, he breathed, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Please what, darling, you're gonna have to be more exact.”

“Elliot please, oh my god!”

It was fun to tease him, Elliot thought, much more than he ever would have imagined - but oh well, we don't want the water to get cold. Gripping his hips with both hands now, Elliot brought his mouth closer to his cock, until he finally closed his lips around the tip, only lightly at first. Then he started twirling his tongue against it, watching Tyrell's reaction, as he finally took his entire length into his mouth.

The moans and the cursing he got as a response were music to his ears. Bopping his head back and forth, he looked up at Tyrell again. He was a moaning mess, reacting to every single touch, and Elliot enjoyed every second of it.

Speeding up his movements, he tightened his mouth around Tyrell's shaft, giving him some good friction. At the same time his hands started tracing his thighs and hips again, overstimulating him completely. Tyrell's hands pushed away from the wall and reached for Elliot again – this time Elliot let him.

It didn't take long after that until he came, his hands buried in Elliot's hair, breathlessly leaning against the wall.

Elliot looked up and smiled at him, one eyebrow raised. “You look tired, darling, maybe you need the bath just as much as I do now.”

Tyrell shook his head, still breathing heavily. He took Elliot's hand and pulled him up, then he kissed his forehead. “You're amazing”, he said. “I'm so lucky.”

The temperature was just right for Elliot, as he carefully got into the water. He sighed when the warm water touched his skin, immediately letting him sink into a more relaxed state. 

Once he had gotten used to the warmth, he leaned over so Tyrell could get in as well. He sat down behind Elliot, taking him between his legs so that his back was resting on his chest.

“I love this”, Elliot said quietly.

“It's heaven.” Tyrell intertwined their fingers, playing around with them underwater. His breath was going steadily again now. “You know, we should talk. About everything. But we should do that tomorrow.”

Elliot nodded against his chest. “Sounds good.”

Tyrell placed a kiss on his temple. “You know what you just said?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said that was my 'welcome home' present.”

Elliot felt his blood rush to his cheeks. “Well-”

“No, no, it's cute.” He smiled. “You know, I think the reason why I didn't tell you I'll be here tonight was also because I was scared you'd tell me not to come. But I thought maybe if you saw me again, just once again, you'd remember why you liked me in the first place.”

Staring at their intertwined hands just above the water surface, Elliot let his head sink back against Tyrell's chest. 

“I didn't even expect you to come back”, he said. “I thought you'd have other options over there.”

“No. When I said I wanna be with you, I really meant it.” Tyrell's voice in his ear was sending shivers down his spine. He sank a bit deeper into the bath, pulling Tyrell with him.

“I wanna be with you too”, he said.

They lay there for a while, immersed in the warm water, relaxing completely. Elliot had his eyes closed, until he heard Tyrell reaching for something next to them. With lazy eyes, he followed his movements, as Tyrell dipped a washing cloth into the water, slowly dragging it over Elliot's chest.

He sighed and closed his eyes again, while Tyrell was washing him.

“Tell me about Sweden”, Elliot said, eyes still closed.

“Well, it's the best country in the world obviously. I was born there.”

Elliot chuckled. Finally his happy, lighthearted Tyrell was back.

“Are there a lot of sheep?”

The steady motion of the cloth on his skin stopped. “A lot of what?”

“Sheep. I always imagined Sweden as a big meadow with sheep and cows everywhere and maybe a little forest, and it's always really cold. And everyone wears those viking hats with horns.”

Tyrell laughed quietly. “Well first of all, the vikings didn't even wear those. That's just a myth. Second of all, I'm from Lidköping which really is quite small, but we have a beautiful port and it's not always cold. Especially not in the summer." He paused for a second.

"Must've been nice to grow up there", Elliot said, seriously interested. 

"Meh. You know, my father always made me chop wood outside, even when it was freezing cold or super warm. We didn't even need that much wood. He just liked to keep everyone busy. He thought it was important for a young man to do that. Also, he was a fuckin tyrant.”

“Sounds like my mom and your dad would've gotten along really well”. Elliot said sleepily.

“Probably not. My dad barely knew any English.”

“Funny, so did my mom.”

They both laughed at that realization.

“At least Darlene and you had each other, didn't you?”

“Yeah. We were really close back when we were children. Every time our mother would beat one of us, or burn us, or scream at us, we ran away together. We said we'd never go back, you know? But then we always did. We didn't know where else to go.”

Tyrell sighed. "Being a kid sucks."

"Yeah."

“Let's go somewhere this weekend. Just us.”

He smiled. “Sounds good.”

Elliot closed his eyes again, feeling Tyrell's cloth tracing his skin again.

“Do you like that?” he asked.

Elliot nodded against his chest, feeling deeply relaxed. He had almost forgotten the dark things he had talked about only seconds ago. Now there was only Tyrell, his heartbeat and the feeling of his hands on his skin.

Once Tyrell was done with his upper body, his cloth wandered downwards, getting suspiciously close to Elliot's private area. 

“Tyrelll”, he groaned.

“Yes, darling?”

“Are you sure we're getting dirty again alrea- FUCK.”

Tyrell's hand had already started massaging his crotch with the cloth, gently stroking up and down his length. Elliot's sleepiness disappeared, the nerve endings in his lower body reacting immediately.

“Come on, you expect me to be in here with you and your beautiful body and not do anything about it?”

Even though his eyes were closed, Elliot could hear the smile in Tyrell's voice. A warm, comforting feeling spread in his stomach, and he couldn't tell if it was joy caused by Tyrell's words, or arousal because of what he did with his hands.

His face on Tyrell's chest, he could feel his eyes on him as Tyrell led him closer and closer to his climax. Tyrell whispered in his ear, telling him how beautiful he was, how much he had missed him, how much he deserved to just let go and relax.

When he came, he squeezed Tyrell's hand, digging his nails into his skin. Tyrell covered his face in kisses, holding him close to his chest.

Completely exhausted, Elliot took a few moments to calm his breathing. Then he slowly turned his head to face Tyrell.

As he looked into his blue eyes that looked so sad and tired, he wanted to tell him he loved him, but he couldn't. Not now, that he had just come back and not now, when he had just jerked him off. He didn't love him for that, he loved him because he was him, and he had never felt the same about anyone before.

Expressing his emotions didn't come naturally to Elliot, and most of the time he just didn't do it at all because he couldn't find the right words.

“Do they have pretty sunsets in Sweden?”, he asked quietly, after a few moments of intense staring.

A smile spread across Tyrell's face. “Yes. But you're right. When you're alone, they're just depressing.”

“Looks like you shouldn't be alone anymore, then.”

“Looks like you're stuck with me, Tea Party.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave a nice comment for 10000 karma points!
> 
> x Jo


	14. beam me up

So he stayed.

Tyrell was lucky enough to have amazing references and a letter of recommendation by his former employer. All of that made up for the fact that he had spent a year doing basically nothing or well, traveling as he called it.

The company he got a job at, E-Corp, worked closely with the one where Elliot was employed. Some people at E-Corp were convinced that Tyrell only got the job because he was dating Elliot, but it didn't bother him because to be honest - it was true. There was no way Tyrell would've gotten the job that quickly without the help of Elliot's boss, who did pretty much anything for his favorite employee.

Elliot wouldn't have minded taking things slow and not telling people, but it was adorable how proud Tyrell was to be his boyfriend.

“This is only temporary anyways, I don't wanna work for some asshole company forever”, Tyrell had stated when they talked things through the morning after Tyrell returned from Sweden. “And all conglomerates are asshole companies.”

They were lying in bed, Tyrell's head in Elliot's lap again, fingers running through his hair. It probably wasn't the best position to make objective, life-changing decisions, but they couldn't keep their hands off of each other anyways. Elliot felt blessed to be able to do this again, finally. 

“But wait, if you wanna get a job here, don't you have to go to lots of authorities and stuff, ya know to do the paperwork?”

Tyrell cleared his throat. “Well... I might have already done that when I was in Sweden.. and yesterday when I got here.”

Elliot shook his head, laughing. “So you were lying when you said you don't know what you wanna do yet?”

He started fumbling around with his sleeve. “No, but... I had a moment of clarity, I'd say.”

“A moment of clarity.” It wasn't a question, but Elliot couldn't help but be a little curious.

“Yeah.” The fumbling got more intense, so Elliot moved one hand away from Tyrell's hair and put it on his hands to calm him. “I visited Joanna's grave... For the first time. It was weird.”

He paused to check Elliot's reaction, but Elliot didn't say anything. He just kept stroking his hair and holding his hand. 

“At first it was terrible. But then I told her about you. I know she would've wanted to know if I fall in love again. So I told her. And then... when I walked away... I felt like I could accept it for the first time. It's like she sent me a sign that I'm making the right decision if I leave forever.” He swallowed hard. “It's like I needed permission from her, and I got it.”

Elliot needed a moment before he could reply. He didn't know how Tyrell could talk about it so objectively, as if he didn't have every right in the world to still be heartbroken. 

“I bet she knows you still love her”, he said softly. Tyrell smiled. 

“Yeah. She just isn't the only one anymore.”

All of a sudden Elliot got an idea. He wasn't sure if Tyrell would like it, but he wanted to try.

“Hi Joanna”, he said. “I'm Elliot.”  


The smile on Tyrell's face grew wider and he slowly shook his head. But Elliot kept talking.

“I think I need to inform you I'm in love with your husband.”  
Tyrell laughed quietly.

“I'm sorry about that. No, I'm not. I hope you don't mind it too much. The thing is, sadly you can't be here right now and I think we both agree that he needs someone to take care of him. Not only is a really bad driver, he also has too many weird ideas and he doesn't sleep enough. Bet you told him that all the time.”

“She did.” It was barely more than a whisper. Tyrell slowly raised his head from Elliot's lap, wiping away a few tears.

“I'll look out for him, I promise. We haven't known each other for that long, but I bet you wouldn't want him to stay sad.”

Tyrell sniffled. Elliot kept his eyes on the ceiling, as if his words were gonna reach her that way. Humans did so much weird stuff all the time, he thought. So he might as well look at the ceiling and talk to a dead woman.

“Well, I hope you're not mad at me or something because I can't use any more bad karma. Goodbye. Oh, and I guess if we ever meet in heaven we're just gonna have to get along and try that polygamy shit.”

He smiled at Tyrell who was somewhere in between laughing and crying. “Thank you”, he said.

Instead of a response, Elliot reached out his hands to wipe away his tears. When he leaned in to kiss him, Tyrell grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back against the mattress. He cupped his cheeks with his hands, his voice completely firm again.

“You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Tea Party.”

“You think she accepted it?” He grinned.

“Yeah. Actually you know what, I bet she's smiling right now. See, she rarely ever showed a genuine smile, but when she liked someone she could beam like a million light bulbs.”

As he noticed the grin on Elliot's face, he frowned. “Is that not something you can say in English?”

“I think that's something you can say if you're Tyrell”, Elliot replied and finally leaned in to kiss him.


	15. somewhere only we know

Elliot tried his best not to suffer in silence anymore, and Tyrell tried his best to return to normalcy.

Some days they both failed. But that was the thing about trying, it sometimes didn't matter how well it was working. The important thing was the "not giving up" part.

Elliot hadn't known laughter the way Tyrell made him laugh. The kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt, the kind of genuine smile that exhausted the muscles in your face. He had never been a person who smiled a lot, not even when he was expected to. But now it happened all the time.

When Tyrell tried to make alcohol-free cocktails for him as a surprise and bought little paper umbrellas as decoration, tiny sparks of color in Elliot's dark apartment. When he showed Tyrell his favorite places in New York and kissed him at every one of them and he looked as excited as a little boy at Christmas.

When they watched movies and he had to try his hardest to follow the plot, because Tyrell was constantly trying to create as much body contact between them as possible. And then he fell asleep on his chest, noticing his heartbeat and his steady breath, a feeling like coming home.

Every time Tyrell sent him his very business unrelated emails at work, and every time Elliot randomly showed up in Tyrell's office for an "important security check up" that usually consisted of them making out in his office and Elliot grinning like a hormonal teenager all day. 

When Tyrell was singing along to the radio, unapologetically missing every single note... It was a kind of happiness unfamiliar to Elliot.

They watched the fireworks together on the Fourth of July, Darlene and Trenton next to them. It had never meant anything to Elliot before, and even less to Tyrell, but it was their first holiday as a couple, and that made it a lot more special.

And still, they went away almost every Friday, just taking a random subway and seeing where it would take them. They needed those get-away's from their jobs, some time for just the two of them.

Every once in a while they ended up at Coney Island again. They often went to the old Arcade, a place where no one ever spent their time anymore although it was quite beautiful. Close to the sea and with a huge Ferris wheel, and the Arcade itself - a small building that gave off an almost nostalgic vibe. It was the definition of what Tyrell called a "lost place". They would sit there for hours and just enjoy being by themselves. This is what heaven must be like, Elliot sometimes thought.

And sometimes, sometimes they still celebrated the sunset as if it was holy. Walking through the dark streets afterwards and laughing about the most random things. Everything felt so safe when Tyrell was there. He numbed his anxiety better than morphine, making him feel just as alive. 

***

"Let's just stay here", Tyrell groaned one evening after work. They were sitting on the coach, his head in Elliot's lap again.

"I told you I gotta go get some stuff", Elliot replied.

"At least bring me something." He smiled, eyes closed. "As a reward for surviving without you for a while."

"I'll be gone for like 15 minutes." 

"15 minutes too many." 

Elliot sighed and carefully slid his hand under Tyrell's head so he could free himself and get up.

"Okay then, what do you want?" 

"The first thing that makes you think of me", Tyrell said, his eyes still shut. Elliot rested his boyfriend's head on the couch and got up. Tyrell glanced through his lashes, watching Elliot put on his shoes. 

"Interesting how you assume I'd think of you." His lips curled up as he grabbed his keys. "I'd never." 

Flash forward 15 minutes, when Elliot came back from the store, a bag of Swedish fish in his pocket, just because it would make Tyrell laugh - but Tyrell was already asleep, curled up on the couch where Elliot left him.

So Elliot sat down next to him, stroking his hair. He didn't wake up, or even make him stir in his sleep. It was okay, he needed the rest.

Elliot knew Tyrell hated his job and it scared him sometimes. He was afraid Tyrell might just leave one day, or do something stupid without him. 

There would be a time where Tyrell was not the center of his life anymore, but a mere addition to it. Maybe the highlight even, but not more. But right now, at the start of their relationship, he was his everything, and that was scary.

And yes, he knew Tyrell worked for the exact kind of company he hated, that this job was so much smaller than him, so much less than he was capable of. And Elliot had seen what Tyrell was capable of. He probably could've destroyed the company any day, but he didn't because he wanted to stay with Elliot. He didn't wanna worry Elliot either, so he kept quiet. But Elliot knew, and he understood. And the day would come when he would help him do whatever was necessary. He would've done anything for Tyrell, and Tyrell would've done anything for him. There was a certain danger in that knowledge, but Elliot didn't even wanna think about it.

During the past few months he had grown so much softer than he ever thought he could become. What would that do to his mental state, if he were to lose his boyfriend right now?

It was on that evening that Elliot said it for the first time. "I love you", he whispered to the sleeping Tyrell, before he fell asleep as well, Tyrell's head still in his lap. Tyrell didn't hear it, but maybe he felt it somehow, Elliot thought. Maybe he already knew.

While Elliot had never known happiness like this, he had also never known love and safety the way it developed between them. The rainy mornings wrapped up in each others arms, the random messages, the fresh bursts of color in Elliot's gray world. It was all new, but it felt comfortable. More comfortable than Elliot could've thought he'd ever be.

And surprise: Comfort scared him as well.

"Maybe we are both getting a bit lost in our work", he said to Tyrell one night, many weeks later. At first he wasn't sure if Tyrell even heard him, but he immediately rolled over, facing Elliot. "What do you mean?" 

"I don't want us to lose this... thing we have. We wanted to run away together and we did for that weekend, but now we're both working 9 to 5 jobs and I'm scared this-" he waved his hand back and forth between them - "will stop being special." 

"You think we could ever stop being special?" He frowned, his hands fidgeting with the blanket covering them. 

"No." Elliot gently took his hand to keep him from tearing at the fabric. "But still. We should go to the Arcade tomorrow. We need it." 

He raised his eyebrows.

"Trust me." Elliot smiled, knowing he had made him curious now. Tyrell, still sleepy, nodded and then snuggled up to him, his face in the crook of Elliot's neck.

"I do", he said and closed his eyes again. 

***

They left the next morning, before dawn. It was a Saturday, but way earlier than most people started their day, and later than most people went to sleep, even in New York. The sun wasn't out yet, and the sky had that incredible blue color, the kind of plain blue that creeped Elliot out. 

They got to the car, the cold wind messing Tyrell's hair as he glanced over at Elliot. He had bought the car a few weeks ago. Elliot hadn't been able to keep him from buying it, although he found it unnecessary. So he had simply decided to appreciate the fact that he had not stolen it this time. 

They drove for miles and miles, out of the city. His eyes still on the road, Tyrell said: "I love you, Tea Party."

Something about the way he said it alarmed Elliot. "Tyrell, what's wrong?" 

He looked over at him, a pain in his eyes that Elliot couldn't quite place.

"Just tell me. I know something's going on." 

Tyrell sighed. "These people are crazy, Elliot. I never wanted to be one of them. But I am. This company is one single pile of trash." 

Elliot bit his lip and nodded slowly. He knew it, he even agreed. But there hadn't been another job that Tyrell could've started working at so quickly. "I always wanted to do something... big." He stopped the car quite suddenly. The Ferris Wheel and the Arcade greeted Elliot through the window, letting him know they had arrived at their safe space. 

He reached over and cupped Tyrell's face in his hands, the way Tyrell himself did it every time before he kissed him.

"I love you too, Tyrell Wellick."

He bent forward and rested his forehead against his. Tyrell didn't say a word, but Elliot could feel him melting under his touch, letting go some of the tension in his body.

"We have done something big already."

Tyrell moved a few inches away from him, his hands on Elliot's neck. "Which is?" 

"We saved ourselves. And each other."

He stared for a few seconds. Then a smile, a nod. A glance out of sad eyes.

"It could be only us again, for a while", he said hopefully. The corners of Elliot's mouth curled upwards. "And then?" 

"I don't know. But I think it's a good place for two people to be alone. "

Tyrell's stupid car radio was playing "Somewhere only we know" again. Elliot looked outside and up at the sky. It was so cloudy now, almost gray.

"I'd love that", Elliot said. "But you should've let me finish. I said we already saved ourselves. Maybe now it's time to save the world."

Tyrell raised his eyebrows. "Come again for the tired business guy?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot. Your whole 'billionaires suck' thing. And now you have the chance to destroy one of the biggest conglomerates in the world from the inside. Because you work there. Like a Trojan Horse. You get me?" 

"A what?"

"Trojan Horse." 

"You're joking." 

"Nah."

"Elliot!" 

They both glared for a few seconds. Then Tyrell's face scrunched up into a mischievous grin, and the old Tyrell was entirely back, just for a moment. 

"That's insane, Tea Party." He shook his head, smiling. "I like it. Go on."

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know how. Except that you said you know how to hack people."

He tilted his head and shot him a knowing look. "I might have some knowledge on the matter myself." 

Quite an understatement, he added in his mind. Tyrell's bit his lip, still staring at Elliot. "It's gonna take a lot more than that, Elliot." 

He shook his head. "They... those people. The top one percent of the top one percent. Those who play God without permission... They're just that. Just people. Like everyone else out there. Like those rich Swedes with their credit cards."

Tyrell smirked. "I remember a certain someone was shocked and outraged when I told him my view on this topic."

"People change, Tyrell, didn't you know that?"

"You have no idea what you're getting us into, Elliot."

Elliot put his hand on top of his, squeezing his fingers. "What I do know is, someone needs to take this company down. And if someone has to do it, it might as well be us." 

They exchanged looks for a couple more seconds. Then Tyrell sighed.

"Okay. So if you wanna do this right, we should get Irving involved. Maybe Darlene. She seems like someone you could use in a revolution, don't you think?"

***

They got out the car and Elliot wrapped his arms around him, as they looked at the small building that had become their little secret.

They would make it somehow. If none of them could take care of themselves, they would take care of each other.

And they would start a revolution. As easy as that. As complicated as that.

Elliot's eyes were still focused on the sky, cloudy on some parts but looking almost pink on others. A beautiful shade of pink. He found it hard to believe that this was the same sky he had seen all those months ago, lying on the tracks, waiting for death.

How crazy it was. How much bigger than him. Almost like it had been painted by someone who was looking down at them, and smiling.

Bright as a million light bulbs.

 

 

_the rest is history._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of this story. I can totally see myself coming back to this and editing / deleting / adding parts in the future. This is one of my favorite things I've ever written and I'd love to rewrite it one day.
> 
> For now I wanna focus on some other projects with original characters so fanfiction has to wait (UNLESS I GET HIT WITH A BURST OF INSPIRATION ONCE THE NEW SEASON COMES OUT, WHICH WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN AHH)
> 
> Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting and take care, this has been so much fun!
> 
> x Jo.


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